The journal of a chaotic mind with a happy soul Journal entry 2015…. sometimes it’s good to look back

Good evening everyone long time no post….. A few people have been messaging me about having a class again…. I will be completely honest it’s been a tuff few weeks for me and I don’t want to teach people when I haven’t been practicing myself. Brenda came out in full force and I am suffering the after effects of her behaviour from that. I haven’t had a episode that bad in over a year it drag me right back into the dirt. I was that bad the doctor tried to put me back on medication, as You can imagine to nearly be at a year with no meds to be told that I felt I had failed and fell massively. Due to a couple of people very dear to me and obviously the one and only Ethel I rip my prescription up. The truth is I would of been taking them for the people around me effected by Brenda not for myself I believed I could get back where I was and even though through the years of battling with bipolar and losing people because of it, it’s a chance I am willing to take because I started this journey a very different person to who I am now. The people that have the balls to be around Brenda are the people that deserve to be around Natasha and if that’s not them then it’s there loss. I have let my practice drop a little and my reading but tonight I just sat a mediated and come out of it and thought this is what it’s about….. Learning being tested and coming back to yourself. I am not perfect by any means and my illness effects people very close and dear to me but Meditation and reiki has let me live as myself for almost a year so I am willing to work with it and heal the cuts that have come by excepting it and not fighting it. I figured something today that everyone’s little broken and that’s ok not just me with bipolar everyone has demons there fighting but tonight I have decided to snuggle with them instead of fight them. I believe meditation and pepper mint tea can solve anything and bring you back on the path you need to be on just sometimes life takes you off and things spiral out of control and your sat thinking how the hell did I get back here…. It’s then when you have a choice to stay there or get up and move forward again. I have over come massive things with meditation and I will do again. I will be more than happy to hold a class in a couple of weeks time for people who want to join me and I would like to teach you all love and kindness because that’s where it all started for me and I think sometimes it’s nice to look back…… Just to see how far you have actually come. You may fall or if your me fall flat on your face but there is always a way back. 💕💕💕🌟🌟🌟 and apologise for those who have messaged but now you know 😘😘

Mental illness is a illness regardless of the title and it needs the same respect as what physical illness get

I had a meeting today from the home help team from park house as I sat there with loads and loads of letters around me of years of psychology reports I was never diagnosed straight away with bipolar disorder it took years. This has been my worse episode since 2016 barring that I have managed my highs and lows myself without medication. I knew last week as I lay in the hospitcal that I had lost the battle this year with my mind…. I have spent years getting to know my triggers my Illness and excepting it. I have wrote a book about it although i then found myself back to that confused girl I was when a psychologist off meeting me once when I haven’t been in hospitcal for bipolar for almost 3 years that actually he think I have bpd. Now it’s not about that label I am bothered about it’s about I have spent years working this out this illness I am in a low with mixed states…. he wasn’t listening to me and he didn’t relies I needed help with this episode before he try’s giving me another label. The stigma around bpd is horrendous it had me questioning everything and myself again. Here is the thing though what I have come to learn today is whatever the label is it’s mental illness and it’s doesn’t take away from who you are as a human being. I have not had the support or understanding from certain people places and things but I get it it’s really hard to understand someone with mental illness even doctors can be ignorant and not listen but it’s made me more determining to get mental health the respect it needs and to end the stigma about whatever label describes your illness because I may have lost the battle this year with it but I will not loose the war……. #timetochange #endthestigma #mentalhealthmatters #speakaboutyourmentalillness #timetotalk

I will be a media a champion camping because I know how it feels to be made to feel ashamed and treated different and have my mental illness used against me. Well I won’t know more speak your truth so no one can use it against you! #memyselfandbipolarbrenda 💗✨💗✨💗

It’s ok to have mental health now…. social media said so…..

💚………. remember when I use to get called a psycho….drama queen…..nuts…..crank…. bla bla bla….. now is the norm because social media says so 😂 ‘I am not any of these I am

Not bipolar…. I am

Natasha….. and also sometimes despite the menkal health look at your triggers…your ego…your people places and things….. and look at your soul….. sometimes you can’t control your moods emotions but ask yourself I am I doing everything I can for myself to manage this….. and if you are and you still can’t cope then go and get help….. it’s that simple but be aware that it’s easier to give medication than it is a therapist….. do your research…. look at your diet your intake of drink and social media…. because I remember when I was diagnosed it was taboo never really spoken about, I was tarnished and made to feel a absolute Werido because my moods effected me so much. I have learnt a lot over the last 15 years of being a ‘Werido’ ‘crank’ and before it become fashionable and acceptable to post about it. Also ask yourself because I do all the time how bad I am

I and can I manage today with going the gym reaching out to my therapist doing yoga meditation without going to

The doctors… all they offer you is medication anyway and a maximum of 6 weeks on cbt. Your referral can takes months and months even joe talked about it on brassic. I have to

Take today to look at how far I have come and I am

Still

Coming with it all because really we only show the strong side of ourselves on here don’t we!

Let’s face it all these campaigns wasn’t as popular before reality tv and celebs suicide…. what about the people that haven’t been out of bed for 6 months literally that can not function at all…. where is the support for these people that can’t come on fb and see all these quotes because that’s all it is posts…. they can advertise as much as they want but the pharmacist are laughing all the way to the bank now let me tell you….

I looked at all the posts today and a good friend of mine who’s bipolar who can’t work because of it, who’s been sectioned before and who’s been on all sorts of anti psychotic which has made her gain weight who’s back and forth to crises…. hasn’t posted a thing not one thing about it being mental health awareness…. take from that what you will….

Last year it was body image this year it’s mental health but here’s the thing the thing we are sharing and posting is causing is most of the triggers….. because let’s face it look back at 2014 did anyone even know what it was today? The mental health service was over stretched then. I remember telling my ex I had bipolar well actually I said I was bipolar (which I never say anymore) he didn’t even know what it was. I am all for raising awareness but my trainer has taught me to be hard and not Pitty myself because yes a lot of the time I don’t keep around what’s good for me. His taught me that I have to take responsibility for myself and my actions.

I am massive attention seeker and don’t get me wrong it’s comfort in posting and sharing and showing how strong you are look at me still here….. at the end of the day though you have to take responsibility for yourself because let me tell you if you’re posting and out we are not as bad as some people and it’s getting harder and harder now for people to get better because we are a world full

Of false truths and far too many egos…. mine included….

Mental health is serious for everyone, everyone suffers at some point but ask yourself what’s triggering you because I had to , I had to ask myself where do I get most Poorly?

I can only speak from my own personal experience with bipolar but even my friend who’s serve she has triggers one being drink which she stoped mine is my ex.

We all have triggers but you see it takes work to get to the root of them and in this world no one really has the time but we all have time to spend days a weeks scolling on a never ending newsfeed.

I am not saying that some people don’t need medication because they do I even have to have ones for anxiety now because I haven’t learnt yet how to mange it. However I replaced my meds for bipolar with meditation yoga and powerlifting. I still have episodes, I am in a 12 month low now with anxiety hitting me every other day but I will not till they take me in and I am unable to dress myself or wash myself go back on medication. I will try every which way to get the chemicals in my head balanced. I also will not go round with labels anymore like I have done for 15 years. I am a fucking human being with a heart and soul that suffers with a imbalanced head and emotions but I am not anything other than me!

Don’t become a label don’t become your illness, yes it’s part of you but drop the label because there is not healing in labels.

Talk but walk the walk…..

Be kind to everyone even the ones that are unkind…..

And remember if your reading this there someone who is that so far out of themselves right now that can’t. So pat yourself on the back and crack the fuck on… no one is going to save you but you.

Light and love to you all ✨

Scared to live scared to die….

I am scared of living and scared of dying. How I have even managed trips to la on my own I will never fully know and it was without Valium too. I think about death a lot way more than I think is normal, if at 30 it’s normal to think about death at all. I get people think about ending it mainly when they have been on a bender however I don’t think about doing anything only when I get really low and feel o can’t cope any more but I always feel someone or something up there has my Back. I do however think about death a lot and at the most random times. I can be training with my trainer and out of nowhere I think we will both be dust one day. Like does that not fucking make you want to book a world trip stop spending days working in a job you hate and go and have sex with everyone you ever wanted too. Errr well probably a normal person would get that thought and think fuck this I am living. I defiantly have the thought right let me go and train as a kundalini teacher, let me study healthy vegan meals let me start my own meditation 🧘🏼‍♀️ online programmes but then what if I waste all my savings and then I have nothing. I can’t fucking win, like let’s be honest if whatever is making me think of death so much surely it’s to push me to do more and be More.

I do think this death thing has stemmed from when my mum had a heart attack, I have waited for her to just die since that terrified of it happening but worrying every day about it. It’s effected me more this year maybe because of the abortion I don’t know, but I have felt really alone and thought when my mum does go I will just be me and Luciano. I spend the days I have worrying about this to the point it makes me depressed. How fucking awful is that though waiting for your mum to die, like I don’t want her to obviously but I know it will happen but I think about it way more than I should. It’s like I just want to get it out the way so I can go through the pain. I think it’s because I have been through so much I dunno if I would cope and I be totally on my own.

I have noticed this year that regardless how people say they have your back or would support you when it comes to it really I am on my own. Fucking hell i am really feeling sorry for myself here. It gets me like this some times a angry bitter little midget.

Now I am terrified because I spent 10 years on and off with the same two guys and now they seem to be settled and moved on it’s like I am bit lost now, even though I know they both was not right more so one then the other. I still feel like why can’t I meet Soemone. However really I don’t think I want too or it’s I am so traumatised by what let’s call him Bellend did that I am scared to meet anyone. Like really scared I am weary to fuck now, can’t be arsed with going through that again any time soon. Also I am scared of being told I am too much because I think the next person to say that to me wound probably feel the feeling of too much right in there nose and it will end up bigger than mine either that or I will end up in style.

To be honest with you I struggle to keep up with myself so I can imagine if your a serial liar and cheater having someone like me who over thinks even if my salmon is day out of date that I will die of food poising. I definitely don’t want to die from something like that. Well I don’t want to die anyway, I don’t think I mean I am scared of dying really like but I think about it all the time.

I know we will all die one day but do I really need to think about it daily surely that’s not normal is it? Course it’s fucking not like obviously it’s not.

It’s like everything I do I actually think but what if I die, even having a shower in the gym I am thinking what if I collapse in here, no one would find me till 10pm. Like who actually stands there thinking that, and then it’s I have to go on the motorway in a minute I may die. Like honestly this is my head and you know

What if I didn’t write I would go even more insane.

I have started facing little fears here and there and you know what sometimes it’s huge I even get to school and back, just got to except sometimes this

Shit in my head isn’t real and yeah we will all

Die probably not from a piece of salmon one day out of date…. well you don’t know….. arrghhhhhh stop. Just eat the fucking fish Tasha.

Until next time….. much love always…. keep going… love and light to you all.

Me myself and bipolar Brenda

Manic Mandy

After spending 3 months in a a absolute low of depressed Debbie I suppose turning into a manic Mandy isn’t all that bad. At first I was just glad to be able to get up on time and do normal tasks again without having a massive black cloud over my head. Granted it was majorly triggered by going backwards 2 years to Soemone who is probably the worse trigger for my bipolar than anything place person or thing. I got burnt more this time then I have ever by him so obviously it was going to trigger me into a Episode.

However even though I have finally started to come out of the dark I have now relies this week I have defiantly gone the other way. I never use to be aware when I was manic unless I did things that had a bad effect. I never noticed that I had more energy than normal, that my speech went faster or I became fixated on something. I would say that that I am in a positive high right now though, but do feel like it’s cycling slightly because certain things that I am focused on like my book I have decided to write, I get fixated on one thing like how to upload something and I can spend hours focused on that and then get really frustrated and anxious. When I am in a positive high I can really be very pro active and what has my attention completely has it but when I get to the point where I can’t find the next line I want to write or I can’t find the right technology to use it really gets to me and send me in a fucking spin. Like it hit me wow I am Manic Mandy because I thought I have rationally bought a I pad and Mac in one week. I spent days going on and on about how I didn’t need a Mac to do my book and how I would struggle with it that a I pad be fine for me. It’s like I become fixated on this fucking Mac. I get frustrated because if i could just focus when I get this positive creative full force flow I would achieve a lot and I do achieve a lot like this. I get loads of things done and seek to have a positive glow but it can switch quickly into a manic mess and now I am doubting myself about the book like there is loads of this online why bother writing a book. However this is something I have always wanted to do and I always said it wasn’t about it selling it was about it healing what I needed to heal. It’s for Soemone who may relate to it and it helps them. I am racing hyper writing this I feel irritable as fuck because my minds moving quicker then what I am trying to type. I think this brings me back to why I seem to go so far with things then don’t finish them because it either consumes me to the point where it makes me feel ill or I get fixated on something else. I just a million miles a hour right now but least I am not in bed scared to go out. You can’t win can you with this either all up or all down.

Much love me myself and Bipolar Brenda

Mental health a medical condition or a excuse?

I realised something today that unless someone actually lives in your mind it’s very hard for them to understand the battle you fight with it on a daily basis. I started on a low a few weeks ago where I just wanted to hide away, the thing about me is I don’t actually release how strong I am because I fight though it even if it means staying in bed all day till it’s time to pick my son back up from school. I have learnt to Perform though depression. I can pretend to be ok when I am depressed I have practiced it for years. I get stubborn and fight back, I do have the gym to thank for that.

Anxiety I can’t pretend I can’t cover it up because I only started to suffer with it intensely last year. It terrifies me to the point where I think I am actually going to die. I have fought so hard to get fit and healthy with a disc problem to be able to lift again and I have turned it around but I can’t fight these anxiety attacks I can’t escape from them. I work so hard on trying to face my fears and overcome set backs. I had my first major anxiety attack last year after I won my first powerlifting comp and I have been terrified ever since when the feeling comes over me again.

Approaching the same comp this week that I didn’t even think I would be able to lift in I have caught tonsillitis and the antibiotics have made me feel terrible. So sub consciously I am terrified I won’t be able to do the comp after over coming the physical set back of it which may I add isn’t fully healed but has not stop me progressing further than I thought i would be after so much time out. I don’t know if sub consciously I am scared of doing it because I think after it I will have another attack like last year. This didn’t even cross my mind untill last week when I was feeling anxious again. I am not scared about my back because I have been fine throughout training and if anything it’s got stronger but being bed bound I seize up. I was on my way to see the osteopath when I felt my face go numb and my chest went tight I couldn’t breathe. I took myself to a and e and put me on the ecg again obviously it all come back fine it’s just anxiety? Just?! I told him I get anxious about getting anxious I can spend 4 hours at a time checking things on myself and diagnosing myself with god knows what which then make me more anxious. I have always had ocd with my thoughts but this with thinking something is physically wrong like a freckle on my arm examining it over and over. I looked at bin I said I can deal with my highs and lows I can’t deal with this. He said people with bipolar are high risk for anxiety disorders. The guy who did my ecg even said your Already asking questions about things before you have had this done your thinking to far ahead. I know I am that’s what I do that’s what I can’t stop. Soemone turn round to me today and said it’s always something sort your head out there people with proper medical issues. It was someone I really trust and I thought understood my illness. I realised today that he don’t live in my head be doesn’t get it I can’t be upset at him. I agree it is always something and I try every day to sort my head out when it’s like this. The fact is this is a medical condition the only excuse is when I am pretending to myself that it doesn’t somewhat take over me sometimes and stop me from doing what I want to because I am terrified of what if…… do you know what it feels like to be terrified every day of doing the smallest tasks. That’s when I have to give myself a little bit of credit because sometimes I wonder how I even manage to go to the shop because I will be worried in case something happens driving there. I don’t walk my dog because I am scared in case a dog attacks us. I don’t drive on the motorway because I am scared if I crash. The worse part of it is I am scared that the visions and thoughts will come true I avoid going and doing things because of the fucking what if!!!! As people face fears jumping out of planes I am facing a fear of my one mind daily when it’s like this. Here is the thing too I hurt my back bad and it’s still not right I have fought to lift mentally again and over come the what if my back goes. But as I over Come one what if another comes and then another. I am terrified of anxiety it scares the shit out of me but bipolar did once i use to be scared of being depressed or scared of being too much and now I don’t give a fuck but this anxiety business, the ocd thoughts on diagnosing myself with mouth cancer Cos I had a small Ulscer in my mouth is nuts! Look I know it’s nuts I am fully aware when I keep looking at a freckle on my arm for 3 hours convince it’s gone bigger is nuts. However the pain and he way you can’t breathe with anxiety isn’t nuts it’s very fucking real and it scares me so much I sob like a baby I have anxiety about having anxiety. Wtf! This isn’t no excuse this is a matter of fact yeah it’s nuts what goes on in my head but I am aware of it and one way or another I will

Meet it head on and one day all

This pain will become my cure! As for the comp well who knows least I know my hearts ok so that’s one less thing to worry about but didn’t get my back done so now I am thinking…… well that’s just it isn’t it thinking. Can be a blessing or a fucking nightmare. Funny thing is I am

Way more scared of anxiety than I am squatting with 90 kilo on my back…… who knows I can’t feel any worse than I do right now….. it’s changed the whole perspective for me really I kinda wanna do it to see if I can get through without having a anxiety attack…… what’s the worse that can happen my backs got me this far it’s not the back it’s not the comp it’s not any of the things am scared of that’s holding me back it’s anxiety that’s holding me back making me. The only way to overcome this is to put it through what it’s supposedly telling me not to do right? Oh but my back and I haven’t seen my osteopath and I have tonsillitis….. excuses excuses…….. no not excuses……. anxiety!…………. to be continued……

Me myself and Bipolar Brenda 😘

Bipolar Brenda and ocd

Bipolar Brenda and OCD

I have never thought I had ocd until last year I thought ocd was people that had to wash there hands over and over and line there shoes up in colour order shit like that. No one told me you can have ocd thoughts. This guy I know he had to have his bath at a certain level or hewon’t get in it changes the sheets every day but straight out the packet. must be asda sheets can’t be Egyptian Cotten it would cost a bomb that wouldn’t it. Mind you saying that I wouldn’t put it past him. So yeah you see my point that was ocd to me. I have now started to understand that ocd can be with anything and anyone. So sadly for me I clearly have ocd thinking which makes sense because I can think the Same thing over and over and ask the same question over and over when deep down I know the answer. It’s highly frustrating and as I have got older is causing anxiety attacks more and more.

I didn’t think it was ocd when I went into H&M and spent 200 pound on everything coral from tops to socks I mean not other colour on anything pure coral. I got obsessed with coral, lucky for me my best friend took it all back for me when he made me realise I didn’t need 200 pound worth of coral tops and socks. Then I remember having a panic attack in top shop because I couldn’t find a matching top to my shirt and I burst into tears hyperventilating over it. Then there was the time I sent probably 120 photos of Nike trainers at different angles in the space of a hour to Reece to find what matches. (Poor Reece) he did put up with A lot. See I had a thing about things matching and it would cause me major distress to the point I would want to rip me hair out (done that a few times to be fair) the weave don’t help though.

I don’t know if it’s helped or not that I have become aware I have ocd thoughts because I am so into the law of attraction that I then get para and think I am attracting what I am thinking and it manifests, then I get more anxiety about my thoughts. I get we all have negative thoughts and doubts but seriously who has a sore head and then decides she’s got cancer of the head and has to ask her trainer if it’s normal to have a bumpy head . I went home googling symptoms and I have diagnosed myself I was dying. This steamed from the fact I just had a sore head bare in mind I had just had my weave done. I can eat too much bread and for days be convinced I have cancer of the stomach. Seriously it’s not the weird thoughts I have it’s the way they play over and over and honestly sometimes it’s not even 10am and I am mentally tired. I screen shot a message and send it to every single one of my friends….. yes all

Girls do this but not over a simple messages as ‘ok it was hot

Baby’ . The urban term for it was on top by the way, which I knew but still had to send it to ten friends asking what he meant. I can read a message and come

Up with a whole entire story that his living a life with ten kids married and I over and over will think something outrageous and cause myself anxiety over it. I mean these are just examples but having compulsive thoughts are really draining and they also ruin a lot of relationships and friendships. I drive people insane I will go on and on and on. The worse part is now I am aware it’s more frustrating because I can’t stop myself I drive myself insane. It’s like a downward spiral because after you have sent your 350 message (just joking but it’s not far off) I then feel depressed and down and regretful. I can make jokes but in all honesty this side of mental health is a bit tricky than the ups and downs of bipolar.

Sometimes you just want to stop thinking and that’s why I have to meditate but I can over think about that. Like when my day kept going wrong and I was convinced it was because I didn’t meditate before I left the house and I had anxiety about it so I eat a pack of lavender Kalms and was burping lavender all day feeling stoned and sick and all

I could think about was if I had mediated this wouldn’t of happened which then resulted in me getting upset and telling anyone who would

Listen.

Ocd thoughts are mainly the what if thoughts the worry of what will happen but they play over and over and over like a bad dance track stuck on repeat. Then when you see a tiny glimpse of what you thought your anxiety rockets because your like I manifested that. Sometimes I feel like I am on this merry go round and I can’t get off and that’s why I have to

Write now and express myself

Because it takes the Edge off well so does gin but yeah I think writing is healthier.

Even thought I love powerlifting and it has help me so much I had the constant fear before the comp I would be carried out on a stretcher I would see it over and over again in my mind. that’s why people don’t understand when I won’t drive places I don’t know it’s because I could imagine the journey and then something bad happens and the fear stops me like I say it’s the what if thoughts……

To be honest I think I do quite well even leaving the house some mornings I feel hard as fuck just driving to work without having a melt down or worrying I may kill a cat on my way or run out of petrol even though my tanks full.

When people say thoughts become things my blood pressure goes through the roof because I sit there thinking I hope not because I can get anxiety about a lion roaming the streets and attacking me while I walk my dog….. what if it’s escaped from the zoo and walked all the way to blackley……. what if?????……

Me myself and bipolar Brenda on ocd thinking

I can’t breathe……let’s breathe in through the nose out through the mouth…… I will breathe through my arse if it helps 😂

73C0B71D-801B-4EF3-8317-B2F4097C7D71Obviously I am breathing 😂 slightly dramatic Tasha. Again I can laugh sitting here feeling slightly calmer than I did last night. I laugh because when anxiety gets so bad and you feel them pricks all through your body and the pains in your neck where you feel like someone is strangling you…… and not it the way that’s pleasing if you know what I mean, but full on ‘I AM GOING TO DIE TONIGHT THIS IS IT.’ I laugh because I turn to my meditation that tells me to breathe out my nose and through my mouth….. and the anxiety is increasing and increasing and your just trying your best to not move Suddenly in case pains start in your chest and you think your about to be rushed off in the middle

Of the night hooked up to a ecg. The calm silent voice says breath in and breath out and your minds going I am actually breathing at all is this through my nose or my mouth fuck I would breathe through my arse right now if it took this feeling away just help meh! All jokes aside I am keen meditator and it helps massively in depression and in calming my thoughts down to should I send that 10th text and explain how he makes me feel

Or not. ( I usually send it anyway, meditate after it) 😂 hence why I have started the blog so I am can stop being that person that sends 10th message of how his made me feel even though I kinda like to

Address the same matter that’s been the same for years 😂

Anyway back to the anxiety, seriously it’s next level shit side of mental health this. Least with depression you just withdraw and take to

Your bed and when your manic well I won’t go into what I get up to when I am manic, which has probably been the trigger to my experience with anxiety over the last year.

I use to have panic attacks but they come and go pretty quick, anxiety is a different ball game and even with all my tools I have acquired with bipolar, this ones a little bit of a fucker……

so what did I do? Believe it or not I just kept thinking I am so grateful now that I can just take this next breathe and the next….. It’s really draining being depressed and feeling like a Duracell bunnies at the same time, I didn’t sign up for this! One or the other is hard enough but a mixture is seriously hard work.

You know when you have that last rep in the gym and it takes everything you have, that was me yesterday but not in the gym in my life. I was that filled with anxiety I got home turn the lights off at half 6 and lay there till half 9 trying to calm down, but I didn’t feel manic I just felt like my body was vibrating my head was pounding and the thought of leaving that room to even drive to get my brows done seem impossible. I just couldn’t push through yesterday. Even for a new set of lashes and brows so yeah it was pretty fucking bad.

Sat in work now and it’s kinda rising again and being at home with my dog seems the best thing for me. So this is what I have come to and something I get told a lot. Just go with the flow….. the more your persist the worse it gets so am give myself a pat on the back that I made it to work this week

Even if I didn’t get everything done I wanted. Just breathe and be grateful you can breathe let me tell

You your grateful for breathing more than ever when it’s all you want to

Do.

I am work in progress with this anxiety it’s a different side of bipolar for

Me. I remember going on a visit and eating a packet of kalms and half a bottle of rescue Remedy, I still

Looked like I had something down my pants itching like I had fleas and sweating

But heat from my feet coming

Up to my weave. So I learnt kalms was not for me, well

Not a packet full anyway. I also

Learnt jail vists wasn’t for me either.😂

So for now all

I have for anxiety is just breathe and be grateful you can 😉 and stay away from places or situations that make it worse. Turn your phone off light a candle and just keep

Thinking this won’t last I am

Good, well there nowt much else you can do there wasn’t for me anyway. On a plus side I don’t hide in the wardrobe anymore, I try not to hide from

Brenda anymore I try and meet her head on 🙄👌🏽

Me myself and bipolar Brenda 😘

When Brenda takes over

I have started this blog mainly to be able to write instead of letting my mind run away with me. The worse part of bipolar is when it manages to take over and you don’t feel anything but bipolar. See there is me then myself and bipolar Brenda. She’s part of me sometimes we get on great and other times she swallows me whole. I suppose you could say I have been swolled right up in the last 48 hours. It happens it’s one of those things i get that now. However I don’t think there is anything worse with being in your body and having no identification with yourself. I don’t want these posts to be pity party’s if anything I am doing it to watch my progress from being on the floor to the rise. So this is where I am at right now and for the last year I have been up and down more times than the lift a the crown court. Will I always be searching for the middle ground? What’s normal anyway.? No sunshine without rain and bla bla Bla. I love a quote more than anyone but as much a good postive  quote can make you see things different for a day maybe it doesn’t stop the chemicals in your brain. I want to get to know me and myself I know Brenda very well. She’s out stayed her welcome this time I am on the hunt to spend some time with me. So here goes to the first day from full blown on the floor to tiny steps back. I can’t mak her go completely and deep down she’s part of me but I am eager for her to take a rest now. That’s a start isn’t it surely ☺️ Without hope what have we got. Ha couldn’t resist a cheesy quote to end on. 😂

Bipolar powerlifting

 

Deadlift bipolar 

I have decided to come back to my little blog, the main reason being I just think I don’t really care anymore what people think about me and this side of me or should I say Many sides. I think mental heath needs as much attention as it can get so people can gain tools to help them on there journey through there difficulties. People will probably read this and have something to say or a lot. Some people may not read it and to be honest I am kinda doing it for myself so I can get out how I feel when I feel like Brenda has a hold. I work hard to manage it as much as I can but like I have said before sometimes it takes hold of me. For

those who don’t know me are probably wondering why I have a picture of me standing there in funny socks and pulling a really attractive face 😂

one of the things I got into to help me with my mind was powerlifting. Yeah it was just suppose to be a hobby but I have some how ended up competing, I kinda qualified for the British championships too 😱.

That experience is what has  probabaly brought me back to writing because since Christmas I have been in what is the delightful other phase of being too much and manic the dreaded depression and anxiety.

I am kinda clever at hiding it and use the fact that it’s because I am still

obessed with a criminal that can’t stay out of jail that’s emotionally unavailable. (That’s a completely  other story for a completely different day) 😂

so yeah the other side of bipolar, is horrendous when your not flying high every day is a constant struggle. However powerlifting has help me live my life in spite of wanting to jump out of windows. ( may I add this is apparently a completely normal

tbougnt that many people experience. )In face it actually means your more in controll than what your think

your are. Well that’s nice to know isn’t it. God forbid we thought we was insane for thinking such a thought, what matters is you didn’t. 😂 I am sorry for making a joke of it but when the doctor said this to me I couldn’t help but laugh. You kinda have too when you get into them sorts of minds and are scared to step near a window. Thankfully I am over the fear of thinking I am going jump out the window. I probably again have powerlifting to thank for that. Once you squatted 90kg on

your back the window thoughts are a minor. Stepping on a platform after failing your warm up lift was actually more scary then any of my weird and wacky thoughts I must say, it’s kind help me a lot to be fair lifting weights 🏋🏽

Powerliftong hasn’t Just made me physically strong but mentally. I found something other than sitting on my cushion reading and meditating that gives me a purpose and a routine. i

started to notice that when I was lifting heavy weights it brought me right down when I was a million miles a hour, when I was down it help me pick myself out the hole I was in. I can get in some real deep holes trust me…..😂

Even when life wasn’t flowing and I was either up or very down that seem to balance me out. Obviously I got obsssed with it, but to be honest when you suffer with your mind and get obsessed with things and people that are not good for you, you hold tight to anything that makes you feel better.

I flew through my first comp and won, but I started to slip into my downs with anxiety and the pressure of wanting to take it to the next level I don’t think was serving me. See I need to just lift weights not to win medals (obviously it was nice to win) I need to lift weights now because when my mind is out of control it’s the only thing that makes me feel in control. Just that half hour session can help me. It doesn’t cue me I am in a bad depressive state now, which is why I didn’t do as well as I could in the qualifiers. However what it has give me is the ability to get out of bed and get through the day, I never could do that I wasn’t a functioning depressive, you can teach yourself to be strong even when your mind is weak to

push through. I never had that before powerlifting.

I know more and more people are suffering with anxiety, mental health than ever before social media is a anxiety trigger let me tell you, it doesn’t help

amyone scrolling through people posting pics of there Sunday dinners and Injected arses. I have a fat arse and have always been quite happy with it but since insta even I am thinking of one of these butt lifts. 😂

weather your up or down anxiety through the roof feel like your going insane. Feel like your too much or not enough here’s my take on it.

go and find something like I did with powerlifting that even if it’s for a hour takes the black smoke from your mind the anxiety running through your neck and chest or the Just feeling like you can’t take much more of this shit. Go and find something that gives you a little bit of your happiness back.

At the end of the day that’s all we really want us cranks weather bipolar or not all deserve to have something to help you and make us feel happy. Managing my mind in these phases is a full time job, I could go and get back on medication or I and go and deadlift then meditate. The thing is weather your bipolar or not and let’s be homest even if your not medically labelled a crank life tests us all at times….. take some time to do something that make you feel a little better even if it’s up and down least your not stuck Just floating about with no aims…… imagine that 😂 some people want to loose weight some people want to earn loads money…… I just wanna manage my mind and emotions and use anything other than what the doctor wants to give me. Point is and yeah I waffle  I know….. point is this stop scrolling down shit….. that thing you wanted to do, that picture you wanted to draw, that walk you wanted to take, the cake you wanted to eat, the book you wanted to read, the blog you wanted to write, the class/course you wanted to take……. GO AND DO IT! DO IT FOR YOURSELF, FOR YOUR MIND FOR YOUR HAPPINESS……. Or go and deadlift 🙂

me, myself and bipolar Brenda 😘

 

 

 

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