It took a long time to get here, a brave girl to try….

This time last year I was in constant pain even thoughI had booked my sons dream to go to California. I was filled with deep anger regret sorrow the pain in my heart kept me awake at night. I felt most days was hard to breathe, I was desperate to find myself again and I just cousins seem too. My soul was so far away the soul that I knew belong to me. My mental health was at its absolute worse. I was riddled with pure physical anxiety.

Every thing and everyone became a threat, I don’t trust myself never mind anyone else.

The one person I had time and time again tried to see the good in had hurt me and betrayed me for the last time. I was left lost and with no confidence. Then I started acting again, then I started being creative.

I remember being in Ibiza and it was the first time in months I felt happiness which I still had a psychotic episode ahead of me before the decade finished…

I am not cured I still suffer and fight every day but I am not who I was this time last year.

You can achieve great things with mental illness in fact you can create anything you want when your turn pain into power.

It’s took me a long time to get here…. some may say I have been lucky with what I have achieved since 2020 started. It’s been grit and fight for many years and too loose everything that was familiar to me. I have lost people and had people leave me o thought would be in my life forever.

I have changed one thing I struggled with was letting things go, in letting things go it’s allowed the people places and things that are meant now for my next steps.

I am beyond grateful for the things I have achieved people in my life from this last year.

I may fall again and I worry every day that it could happen but the reason I have done well is because I have not allowed the wrong things to take me away from the right things

Find what fuels you not drains you.

‘ I won’t ever be perfect but at least now I am brave’

It’s been a long road and let that road continue…..

Don’t ever give up ever no matter how hard or chaotic your mind gets always know you got this and sometimes the most horrific times become the magic we was always waiting for.

blog by me, myself and bipolar Brenda

The journal of the time I lost the battle with the monster in my mind…

IMG_4E05767A82DD-1The unpublished/unseen  Journal entry from The journals of A happy soul with a chaotic mind.

So When I wrote my book it was the hardest year of my life mentally. As people who follow my journey I put all of my journals into he book. I bared my all but there was some journals I did not share and over the next few weeks, I have decided that now is the time. After what has happend to caroline Flack, its really very close to home to me and it breaks my heart that in the moment she lost the battle with her mind, she was not saved. It’s also made me see so much the stigma there still is around suicide and how black and white people see it. It breaks my heart that she didn’t send a message that could have saved her life. The media are to blame but I think if we could of had her trending a week ago with all this support while she was alive then it would be a very different story, she would still be living hers fighting for her life. I can’t help but feel guilty, I wish so much I read all this press, even though I tend to not read newspapers but I wish I had and everyone would have supported her before it was too late.  I have not edited this journal entry, some little bits was used for my epilogue, but it was kept short. This journal entry was written when I was sat in A&E on a drip because this night I lost the battle of my mind. Even though I have shared a fair bit in my book this part was not really shared at all.  I said in my book I wanted to be a part of ending the stigma around mental illness and suicide. I said I want to be a Voice for everyone not just celebs. Especially single mothers suffering with. mental illness. It’s hard to look back at his journal entry because this time reminds me of how terrified I was of my own mind. These may not make much sense I was full blown in a depressive state, the only thing I had was a journal.

28 November 2019 04:42

I am sat in A&E on a drip, I don’t know what else to do becasue I am waiting for the crises mental health and I can’t make sense of anything right now, I think my sons saved my life…

I hadn’t took anxiety tablets to go into the gym and that day when I was finally starting to see it as my home again I was verbally abused  In front of my terrified son.

I never sent messages being rude or threatening but I did involve myself to make it clear that he was still causing people pain. Although it didn’t matter because no one wanted to hear the truth. Although it wasn’t my battle or  place to prove that anymore but I felt I owed it to his baby’s mum because I felt over the years I had also been one of the reasons that caused her pain, she has been destroyed too and me being me think I can save everyone, when I can’t even save my fucking self.

Having to see my son have panic attacks for 3 days because he had to whiteness in my safe place it become a place where was  verbally abused. I have always felt like the new girl this year him and anyone involved in them wanted me out of that gym.  I have never been so  in my life about everyone around me.  Also I have been thinking about death so much, like I wake up every day thinking will I die today.

The hardest thing for me this year is that I lost the one thing that’s kept me out of bipolar and more Natasha, but this year the truth is I have felt every day suicidal, and when I say that it’s not always where I want to die but it’s the thoughts of I can’t keep fighting these thoughts, it’s the thoughts that even when I think I am moving into light I know the darkness was so much stronger this year. I had to fight every day this year for my life and today it all got too much for me.

I felt like I had failed my son, I felt I had once again allowed him to see me weak and not capable, I felt that because he had seen something so traumatic for him and myself it was like he  felt  like he was also weak. I felt like it was my fault, even though really reagrdless of what has gone on, you don’t act like that in front of a child.

I seen how other human beings treat other human beings, I seen how anyone he gets involved with is caused with his  poison and how his karma and energy becomes there. I relies that despite I struggle to let things go and will go to any Lengths to get the truth out that it’s not worth it, my auntie said today you can’t save the world Natasha.

People may look at this as selfish tonight but this wasn’t a sudden thought it’s a thought I have had all year that’s got louder and louder that my son deserves a mother who who he doesn’t have to see helpless, a mother that can’t let him down because she’s scared to leave the house, a mother that gives him routine time and structure every day. My mind was telling me all year that me being alive was only holding him Back and he would forever me wrapped up in this world of me myself and bipolar Brenda a fucking shit show of a mother.

The voice tonight after hearing people saying you shouldn’t of stuck up for someone else  and involve yourself, the comments of how the same thing happens with him and you always end up worse off and it’s effecting your son. That voice was so loud tonight and I don’t mean a voice of like I could hear voices. Those voices are my own thoughts and they remind me every day at how I feel a fail at being a mother.  How much a struggle with every day things, how things have a hold over me for so long.  How senstive I actully am.

The darkness this year the battles I have fought with my mind and phsycial anxiety I lost too tonight. Did I want to be numb or did I want to die.?  What do I offer him other than my chaotic mind really? I felt that I’d I did love him i needed to set him free from this life of having to live with a mother who’s spent most of this year in a rapid cycling state, surely he would be better off without me…. I love him so if I do then set him free from this chaotic life.

I may be a crank a Werido and I may be someone who will go on and on to project the truth but I have a soul and heart that’s bright full of love and light, I feel people’s happiness and pain and I feel other peoples  and wanted to expose the truth but really that was my darkness in my mind that doesn’t let go of the drama and pain.?

I have spent all year fighting to keep going and I couldn’t fight anymore. The book has help me so much but it’s also open wounds that I didn’t want to relive and I had too. It’s open up a door to where I had to finally see and except someone as a fake and it’s open me up to see that humans can destroy you regardless of how they know you may suffer. Every step forward this year has been brought with a massive set back.

Tonight I could of died I can’t fight this alone anymore and I can’t be around anything or anyone that isn’t going to help me out of this dark hole. I sit here writing this in waiting to see my mental health worker, I have hit rock bottom and I am scared that I will forever be drag back here into this darkness. 2019 wasn’t the worse year for me because he moved on or so I thought he can have and be with who he wants and it’s not even that he left me when I needed him it’s the fact he made my only safe place into a place I don’t feel I can ever return back too.

He wasn’t the reason nor was it the abuse I had this week. It was seeing my son suffer with anxiety and if I have not been strong enough for myself this year how can I be strong enough for him.  People will read this and we will sit and talk about this at my book launch if I make it and wonder how I can be sat here tonight in utter darkness how will I get to that. I am a strong enough to share my story when I wasn’t strong enough to fight that dark cloud over my head tonight…..

I had a message saying imagine half of social media  seen the real you…. and all of a sudden all the work I had done on this book felt pointless I felt I had accepted myself and my illness and was proud I had fought that darkness and not give into fully this year and then all of a sudden in that moment I  become that lost little weak helpless fuck again looking to a escape, but really it wasn’t I wanted to do what i thought was the right thing and take this away from my son, take the drama And chaotic life of who I am away from him and leave him with the happy soul I had given him the one that is in me The one that I know I am……

I am sat here now being asking by a doctor how long have you felt like this really my whole life but my safe place was want kept me in my light in my dark times but this year i lost that and I lost the fight of me myself And bipolar Brenda…. well all most.

30 November 2019 03:47

I bet you thought you would get to 2019 and it would be the year where I bounce back, a book almost finished a book launch being prepped and I am sat on a mental health ward waiting to see if I am safe to go home. How the hell have I ended up here 16 years on from the time i tried to take me life.

 

I really don’t think people do understand the serve of what mental health can do to you. I got a message off one of my friends saying your self destructing you have friends who love you and you will end up with no one, pulling stunts like this. Louis needs his mum.

Riddled with guilt that my 8 year old son had to find me completely out of it and rang my cousin to come. I hate myself that my son has had to see this.

Last night I didn’t believe he did, I believed those thoughts in my head that he would be better off without me and all I do is bring drama and chaos to him. I didn’t want to wake up last night and I have been scared all year of getting so dark that I would get to the point I did last night. I got to it and the only reason I text certain people was because I didn’t wan them to think I was selfish but it turns out that they think I am selfish for doing what I did. The thoughts in my head told me to say bye to the people you care about and I know I lost total control over my mind and emotions to the point I could not tell you what I wrote to any of them. I don’t even know I just felt like I was in this dark room I couldn’t make sense of anything, I just needed to get out but the darkness was in my mind. I can’t explain it.

Today on the ward I started to feel better because my friend came to see me who’s been in here recently and she gets me because she’s just started to come out of that dark place. She gets me because her minds in pain and she’s never free ever like me of this illness. You don’t want to die Tash,  but you’re scared of your own thoughts and feelings and last night Tash you lost the fight with them. It’s going to be ok though we will get you better.

Everyone was ringing worried when they thought I was dying but the fact is, I still  am in my mind I am out of control,  I am terrified now that I had no control last night and it hurts that I haven’t had a message asking how I am or if I am ok just that I am selfish for what I did and that I need to get help for this.

I wish I wouldn’t of message them now because at the end of the day I can’t expect people to understand my mind and emotions when at the moment I can’t. I am not weak I am not selfish I am struggling. I know it was a shock for them but in that hour while I was taking those tablets that thought I had all year consumed me fully and all I could hear was your better off because this pain is never going to end.

I sat with the doctor and she said she’s never had anyone explain in so much detail and use examples of there illness in a the way I have. The way I describe the monster and you try to keep it at arms length but it’s just got closer and closer to me and last night it eat me whole.

She said you have worked so hard to manage and I think this year all what has happened it’s been like a pressure tap getting tighter and tighter. I said I just didn’t want I wake up, I just couldn’t seem to fight it last night. My moods have been changing not daily but hourly this year, I have had anxiety in my body that I can’t control, I have lost my coping mechanising. She said it me it’s like you have lost a part of yourself this year isn’t it and you have been trying so hard to find it, I said yeah but then on the other hand I have wrote a book because I have study bipolar and myself for years but still repete the same patterns I still put my hands in a fire knowing I will get burnt everything is all or nothing. My relationships are intense and then nothing.

Then it comes i think you may have symptoms of  bpd….. I looked at her like what? Border line personality disorder, I was like I am not doffrent people. She was like no it’s not that it’s the intensity of emotions and the rapid change daily. So I don’t have bipolar… yes you do but you have bpd it’s common for them to be diagnosed after each other and common for a duel diagnosis.

I can’t really remember all she was saying but she spent hours with me. When she started to explain border personality disorder and what she was saying I was like that’s how I explain my bipolar in my book. She was like they do have very similar traits. She was like don’t let this knock you but I think that we need to look at it so you can get the right support and medication possibly.

Then the conversation of anti psychotics come up…. I was like no no no. To be honest it was me telling her all the side effectS ans me doing most of the talking. I had her filling up at one point explaining how I haven’t been like this since I was 14 I am scared of my own mind, I thought I had started to understand myself and bipolar and now I am sat here questioning myself again I have tried to kill Myself and I am riddled now with more guilt and more pain. She was so lovely and helpful and said she would be really interested in reading my book. See when I speak to them doctors they start to see Natasha and they see this girl who’s managed her mental health alone how she’s wrote a book how she’s got so much information and knowledge and they think I am stable well ish. I walked out to see my son and auntie waiting for me at my bed side and you know what all she did was make me laugh. I went home had a bath and all of sudden felt like I had loads of energy looking at my book cover sending it to jo I felt happy. What the fuck how can I be sat here now like this like nothing’s happened. I even said to my mate Deana I don’t get it like I just feel hyper now.

Cut to this morning I woke up terrified crying and scared I had a app to see the home self care team that basically look after you at home instead of hospital, I couldn’t leave the house, I felt so low I couldn’t stop crying.

I felt better last night what the better last night why I am I like this again now. I did have  messages off a few friends asking if I was ok, they all seemed annoyed though and you know what I just sank deeper this morning like is this punishment for what I did.

I do not need anyone punishing me my minds doing it enough right now, its telling me to not be here.

I get it they don’t understand and no one has ever seen me barring Jen in this state before but even she hasn’t the only person that has seen me like this before is my mum and dad.

Even my cousin who come round straight away and rang the ambulance hasn’t seen me this bad but his not give up on me, I think my friends have it’s too much for some people it’s scary but they think it’s because of my ex  I have suffered my whole life he wasn’t around  when I was 14. I got another message asking what I am playing at and I need to take accountability for what’s gone on this week and maybe see someone to why your acting the way you are. Acting the way I am see this is it like this is the dark side to my illness, this is the not in your right mind out of control side.

It’s not something your friends can help you with I don’t think. My cousin turn round to me and said Tash you have got me and we will get you better. I do not know what I would have done without him, he saved my life him and my son.

Anyway back to the meeting with the home care team again they think I am ok because I have manage this long and it’s just a blip the psychologist said I am afraid that we do need to start treatment for border line personality disorder which would make it tricky for you with medication because one you have gone so long without it, she even said we don’t even have those sheets you have anymore so I know how long ago you was given them, she said I think maybe a very low mood atablizor or anti depressant but we would have to monitor you closely if we use anti depressant because of the bipolar and if you went into a high. They said everything you have been through this year would effect anyone. It’s always the same as soon as I explain and tell them how I have cope before they say we’ll go back to that first but I can’t because I am to far away from it, I felt safe when they was here  a then  after I am in despair again.

Then had to speak to social worker and first thing she said wants happened you have always managed so well. I bust into tears I said I am not coping  I need help, I can’t look after myself never mind my mum and son. I am scared I can’t escape these thoughts, what’s happening to me. help me!

 

She said early help will come in and help me with all of this and get me in a routine, but I said last time all she did was make achievement charts for bed times. She said no they will  stay as long as you need now for as many months. I just kept going on how I feel it’s my living conditions and how I can’t go out to even get milk today and my mum can’t, I can’t care for my mum and myself and my son. I never had any help I have just been left and now this year It’s come to this.

 

Then I slept from 2 till half 8 after ordering Louis Xmas presents and I got upset because I have no tree and he doesn’t have his Harry Potter advent calander.

Shit mum again that’s all I was thinking then I just got mad so mad and was angry I woke up and there was still no tea bags. I called my mum a waste of space, I was so angry, then it came again and I was terrified, my mind was telling me you can stop this, ringing in my ears.

I rang the home help team and she said go straight to a and e they know your coming and my cousin well his more like my brother isn’t he lets face it  again comes to bring pasta bread and the prayer I ask my auntie for in the hospitcal. I told her I had read it in a book and it struck with me but could only remember Lord make me a instrument of thi peace. So in the bag was the prayer card and the holy cross. He got here and I said I have to go back, I couldn’t breathe I was terrified of my mind again. I don’t feel safe, there something happing to me again, help me. its ok we will go now come on.

You know went when I rang the metal health worker I didn’t think she would answer and when she did I was like help me. I was terrified, I have never felt this awreness of fear before, I don’t want to die but I do not feel safe.   It’s almost 5am they will be back out to see me at 11am sat here writing but I am tired but i am scared and I don’t even know what day it is.

My cousin took me to a and e and I seen the women who answered the phone and another mental Health worker and you know what they had the biggest hearts. I am going to try and sleep now the birds are tweeting but I can feel my anxiety starting.

Please help me, please stop this I can live like this, help me please.

This was journals written when I lost the battle of my mind, this was when my mind was telling me I was better off dead. Suicide is happing every day to people in all different ways. I seen steph Davies when she posted a cry for help video, when her mind was in darkness and I am so glad she did that so people could reach out and help her. I wish Caroline felt she could of said this is too much I am loosing control of my mind, I see no way out. She wanted the pain to stop do you know how terrified she would have been in that moment… All these campaigns now about how the media did this, I agree but imagine we would have not waited for he death to have her trending, imagine we would of done this a week ago. We me included rush to social media as soon as someone dies but we don’t rush to people when they really need us. We don’t know her personally and the reality someone said is you only reach. out to people you know. if that’s the case then we would only share status when people we know die. Let’s think about the young girl being cyber bullied who cuts herself, lets think of the single mother who is terrified to get help in case her children. taken off her. Let’s think about the waiting lists we and our children are put on. Let’s think about when we post on world mental health day… my door is always open, but reality is when I lost the battle of my mind the thoughts was it was selfish you didn’t want to die you just wanted the pain to stop. Caroline just wanted the pain to stop. We me included should have reported the press weeks ago. We only want to do something about it when it’s too late. This is what needs to change. Your mind can tell you to give up, it told me to jump out of a window once to stop the pain. Just because we did not contribute or troll her we also did nothing about it until now and it’s too late for her. I get so upset because I think if only these  petitions was being done weeks ago. Although again we need to be seen to be doing our bit on social media. We was reading these articles about her with this situation, I mean I wasn’t like I have said I stay off things like that. I feel guilty that I didn’t read about it, I wish I had. so yes the media are to blame but what did we do to stop it until now? This is the longest blog I have ever done, I have not slept it just reminded me of the times I lost the battle and I was so lucky to survive. I just wish that could be the same for her, yesterday no one was campaigns about what she was going through but as soon as the media show us she has passed we are straight to it to defend her. I am annoyed at the media but I am annoyed by peoples ignorance towards mental illness still now. What are you doing behind closed doors to make a change? Have you message. your friends today that has been in this situation asking are you ok, it must have brought things up for you seeing this… I might be small and un known but I will fight for the respect and care mental illness needs. We can all post pictures and share status but what are we actually doing, enough talking more doing!

 

Caroline I hope you are at peace now and I hope we all learn a lesson and educate ourselves with people not just what we read online.

 

Much love Me,Myself&Bipolar Brenda xxx

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Stand in your truth!

Can I just say for someone that was on the bones of my arse this time last year mentally physically (even tho today dropping a comp bar almost on my back wasn’t all that great) however to get to where I am now with my book and the projects and people I have connected with is overwhelming to say the least. I suppose what I wanna say is that sometimes those awful times you go through can absolutely be turned into magic. I didn’t finish school, I have been involved with some bad men, I have spent a lot of my life fighting my mind and emotions spent a lot of time being called a Werido psycho feeling like a worthless piece of shit basically. I had a comment not so long ago saying if all of Facebook knew the real you… almost didn’t put my book out. You know what writing that book sharing my all was the best thing I ever did. I still and will always be battling my mind and emotions. However let me tell you this fuck what people say stand proud of who you are admit when your struggling don’t be ashamed if you piss yourself when you have a anxiety attack. Dont beat yourself up if your late for school or you can’t concentrate on things because your minds racing so much, don’t spend so much time in pain. As I closed one book another opened because that’s life. However as I say in my recent blog for bipolar uk yes me blogging for bipolar uk! That even with my illness I have achieved so much! Those people that kicked me when I was down my dear darlings let me tell you this the book was a starter. For anyone who suffers stigma of mental illness stand proud of who you are even if it’s in your own piss because that’s who you are! Much love to you all me,myself and bipolar Brenda 💗 http://www.meandbipolarbrenda http://www.bipolaruk.org where my recent blog is. https://www.time-to-change.org.uk/ who I am writing a article for the metro for their new camping ‘see the bigger picture’ I have been invited to join the commissions with bipolar uk and will be looking forward to working on the commission for funding for women and children effected by bipolar. This time last year I was in a utter mess I am still a mess but I just brought the Magic out of it. So to the person who said if only the whole of Facebook knew the real me, well I have just touch the surface…. thank you to those who doubted me and kick me when I was down and to those who lifted me up and continue to when I have a manic phase doubting myself and dropping powerlifting bars you know who you are the special humans the ones who are the madness in the magic…. stand in your truth all of you!

The journal of a chaotic mind with a happy soul Journal entry 2015…. sometimes it’s good to look back

Good evening everyone long time no post….. A few people have been messaging me about having a class again…. I will be completely honest it’s been a tuff few weeks for me and I don’t want to teach people when I haven’t been practicing myself. Brenda came out in full force and I am suffering the after effects of her behaviour from that. I haven’t had a episode that bad in over a year it drag me right back into the dirt. I was that bad the doctor tried to put me back on medication, as You can imagine to nearly be at a year with no meds to be told that I felt I had failed and fell massively. Due to a couple of people very dear to me and obviously the one and only Ethel I rip my prescription up. The truth is I would of been taking them for the people around me effected by Brenda not for myself I believed I could get back where I was and even though through the years of battling with bipolar and losing people because of it, it’s a chance I am willing to take because I started this journey a very different person to who I am now. The people that have the balls to be around Brenda are the people that deserve to be around Natasha and if that’s not them then it’s there loss. I have let my practice drop a little and my reading but tonight I just sat a mediated and come out of it and thought this is what it’s about….. Learning being tested and coming back to yourself. I am not perfect by any means and my illness effects people very close and dear to me but Meditation and reiki has let me live as myself for almost a year so I am willing to work with it and heal the cuts that have come by excepting it and not fighting it. I figured something today that everyone’s little broken and that’s ok not just me with bipolar everyone has demons there fighting but tonight I have decided to snuggle with them instead of fight them. I believe meditation and pepper mint tea can solve anything and bring you back on the path you need to be on just sometimes life takes you off and things spiral out of control and your sat thinking how the hell did I get back here…. It’s then when you have a choice to stay there or get up and move forward again. I have over come massive things with meditation and I will do again. I will be more than happy to hold a class in a couple of weeks time for people who want to join me and I would like to teach you all love and kindness because that’s where it all started for me and I think sometimes it’s nice to look back…… Just to see how far you have actually come. You may fall or if your me fall flat on your face but there is always a way back. 💕💕💕🌟🌟🌟 and apologise for those who have messaged but now you know 😘😘

Mental illness is a illness regardless of the title and it needs the same respect as what physical illness get

I had a meeting today from the home help team from park house as I sat there with loads and loads of letters around me of years of psychology reports I was never diagnosed straight away with bipolar disorder it took years. This has been my worse episode since 2016 barring that I have managed my highs and lows myself without medication. I knew last week as I lay in the hospitcal that I had lost the battle this year with my mind…. I have spent years getting to know my triggers my Illness and excepting it. I have wrote a book about it although i then found myself back to that confused girl I was when a psychologist off meeting me once when I haven’t been in hospitcal for bipolar for almost 3 years that actually he think I have bpd. Now it’s not about that label I am bothered about it’s about I have spent years working this out this illness I am in a low with mixed states…. he wasn’t listening to me and he didn’t relies I needed help with this episode before he try’s giving me another label. The stigma around bpd is horrendous it had me questioning everything and myself again. Here is the thing though what I have come to learn today is whatever the label is it’s mental illness and it’s doesn’t take away from who you are as a human being. I have not had the support or understanding from certain people places and things but I get it it’s really hard to understand someone with mental illness even doctors can be ignorant and not listen but it’s made me more determining to get mental health the respect it needs and to end the stigma about whatever label describes your illness because I may have lost the battle this year with it but I will not loose the war……. #timetochange #endthestigma #mentalhealthmatters #speakaboutyourmentalillness #timetotalk

I will be a media a champion camping because I know how it feels to be made to feel ashamed and treated different and have my mental illness used against me. Well I won’t know more speak your truth so no one can use it against you! #memyselfandbipolarbrenda 💗✨💗✨💗

It’s ok to have mental health now…. social media said so…..

💚………. remember when I use to get called a psycho….drama queen…..nuts…..crank…. bla bla bla….. now is the norm because social media says so 😂 ‘I am not any of these I am

Not bipolar…. I am

Natasha….. and also sometimes despite the menkal health look at your triggers…your ego…your people places and things….. and look at your soul….. sometimes you can’t control your moods emotions but ask yourself I am I doing everything I can for myself to manage this….. and if you are and you still can’t cope then go and get help….. it’s that simple but be aware that it’s easier to give medication than it is a therapist….. do your research…. look at your diet your intake of drink and social media…. because I remember when I was diagnosed it was taboo never really spoken about, I was tarnished and made to feel a absolute Werido because my moods effected me so much. I have learnt a lot over the last 15 years of being a ‘Werido’ ‘crank’ and before it become fashionable and acceptable to post about it. Also ask yourself because I do all the time how bad I am

I and can I manage today with going the gym reaching out to my therapist doing yoga meditation without going to

The doctors… all they offer you is medication anyway and a maximum of 6 weeks on cbt. Your referral can takes months and months even joe talked about it on brassic. I have to

Take today to look at how far I have come and I am

Still

Coming with it all because really we only show the strong side of ourselves on here don’t we!

Let’s face it all these campaigns wasn’t as popular before reality tv and celebs suicide…. what about the people that haven’t been out of bed for 6 months literally that can not function at all…. where is the support for these people that can’t come on fb and see all these quotes because that’s all it is posts…. they can advertise as much as they want but the pharmacist are laughing all the way to the bank now let me tell you….

I looked at all the posts today and a good friend of mine who’s bipolar who can’t work because of it, who’s been sectioned before and who’s been on all sorts of anti psychotic which has made her gain weight who’s back and forth to crises…. hasn’t posted a thing not one thing about it being mental health awareness…. take from that what you will….

Last year it was body image this year it’s mental health but here’s the thing the thing we are sharing and posting is causing is most of the triggers….. because let’s face it look back at 2014 did anyone even know what it was today? The mental health service was over stretched then. I remember telling my ex I had bipolar well actually I said I was bipolar (which I never say anymore) he didn’t even know what it was. I am all for raising awareness but my trainer has taught me to be hard and not Pitty myself because yes a lot of the time I don’t keep around what’s good for me. His taught me that I have to take responsibility for myself and my actions.

I am massive attention seeker and don’t get me wrong it’s comfort in posting and sharing and showing how strong you are look at me still here….. at the end of the day though you have to take responsibility for yourself because let me tell you if you’re posting and out we are not as bad as some people and it’s getting harder and harder now for people to get better because we are a world full

Of false truths and far too many egos…. mine included….

Mental health is serious for everyone, everyone suffers at some point but ask yourself what’s triggering you because I had to , I had to ask myself where do I get most Poorly?

I can only speak from my own personal experience with bipolar but even my friend who’s serve she has triggers one being drink which she stoped mine is my ex.

We all have triggers but you see it takes work to get to the root of them and in this world no one really has the time but we all have time to spend days a weeks scolling on a never ending newsfeed.

I am not saying that some people don’t need medication because they do I even have to have ones for anxiety now because I haven’t learnt yet how to mange it. However I replaced my meds for bipolar with meditation yoga and powerlifting. I still have episodes, I am in a 12 month low now with anxiety hitting me every other day but I will not till they take me in and I am unable to dress myself or wash myself go back on medication. I will try every which way to get the chemicals in my head balanced. I also will not go round with labels anymore like I have done for 15 years. I am a fucking human being with a heart and soul that suffers with a imbalanced head and emotions but I am not anything other than me!

Don’t become a label don’t become your illness, yes it’s part of you but drop the label because there is not healing in labels.

Talk but walk the walk…..

Be kind to everyone even the ones that are unkind…..

And remember if your reading this there someone who is that so far out of themselves right now that can’t. So pat yourself on the back and crack the fuck on… no one is going to save you but you.

Light and love to you all ✨

Scared to live scared to die….

I am scared of living and scared of dying. How I have even managed trips to la on my own I will never fully know and it was without Valium too. I think about death a lot way more than I think is normal, if at 30 it’s normal to think about death at all. I get people think about ending it mainly when they have been on a bender however I don’t think about doing anything only when I get really low and feel o can’t cope any more but I always feel someone or something up there has my Back. I do however think about death a lot and at the most random times. I can be training with my trainer and out of nowhere I think we will both be dust one day. Like does that not fucking make you want to book a world trip stop spending days working in a job you hate and go and have sex with everyone you ever wanted too. Errr well probably a normal person would get that thought and think fuck this I am living. I defiantly have the thought right let me go and train as a kundalini teacher, let me study healthy vegan meals let me start my own meditation 🧘🏼‍♀️ online programmes but then what if I waste all my savings and then I have nothing. I can’t fucking win, like let’s be honest if whatever is making me think of death so much surely it’s to push me to do more and be More.

I do think this death thing has stemmed from when my mum had a heart attack, I have waited for her to just die since that terrified of it happening but worrying every day about it. It’s effected me more this year maybe because of the abortion I don’t know, but I have felt really alone and thought when my mum does go I will just be me and Luciano. I spend the days I have worrying about this to the point it makes me depressed. How fucking awful is that though waiting for your mum to die, like I don’t want her to obviously but I know it will happen but I think about it way more than I should. It’s like I just want to get it out the way so I can go through the pain. I think it’s because I have been through so much I dunno if I would cope and I be totally on my own.

I have noticed this year that regardless how people say they have your back or would support you when it comes to it really I am on my own. Fucking hell i am really feeling sorry for myself here. It gets me like this some times a angry bitter little midget.

Now I am terrified because I spent 10 years on and off with the same two guys and now they seem to be settled and moved on it’s like I am bit lost now, even though I know they both was not right more so one then the other. I still feel like why can’t I meet Soemone. However really I don’t think I want too or it’s I am so traumatised by what let’s call him Bellend did that I am scared to meet anyone. Like really scared I am weary to fuck now, can’t be arsed with going through that again any time soon. Also I am scared of being told I am too much because I think the next person to say that to me wound probably feel the feeling of too much right in there nose and it will end up bigger than mine either that or I will end up in style.

To be honest with you I struggle to keep up with myself so I can imagine if your a serial liar and cheater having someone like me who over thinks even if my salmon is day out of date that I will die of food poising. I definitely don’t want to die from something like that. Well I don’t want to die anyway, I don’t think I mean I am scared of dying really like but I think about it all the time.

I know we will all die one day but do I really need to think about it daily surely that’s not normal is it? Course it’s fucking not like obviously it’s not.

It’s like everything I do I actually think but what if I die, even having a shower in the gym I am thinking what if I collapse in here, no one would find me till 10pm. Like who actually stands there thinking that, and then it’s I have to go on the motorway in a minute I may die. Like honestly this is my head and you know

What if I didn’t write I would go even more insane.

I have started facing little fears here and there and you know what sometimes it’s huge I even get to school and back, just got to except sometimes this

Shit in my head isn’t real and yeah we will all

Die probably not from a piece of salmon one day out of date…. well you don’t know….. arrghhhhhh stop. Just eat the fucking fish Tasha.

Until next time….. much love always…. keep going… love and light to you all.

Me myself and bipolar Brenda

Manic Mandy

After spending 3 months in a a absolute low of depressed Debbie I suppose turning into a manic Mandy isn’t all that bad. At first I was just glad to be able to get up on time and do normal tasks again without having a massive black cloud over my head. Granted it was majorly triggered by going backwards 2 years to Soemone who is probably the worse trigger for my bipolar than anything place person or thing. I got burnt more this time then I have ever by him so obviously it was going to trigger me into a Episode.

However even though I have finally started to come out of the dark I have now relies this week I have defiantly gone the other way. I never use to be aware when I was manic unless I did things that had a bad effect. I never noticed that I had more energy than normal, that my speech went faster or I became fixated on something. I would say that that I am in a positive high right now though, but do feel like it’s cycling slightly because certain things that I am focused on like my book I have decided to write, I get fixated on one thing like how to upload something and I can spend hours focused on that and then get really frustrated and anxious. When I am in a positive high I can really be very pro active and what has my attention completely has it but when I get to the point where I can’t find the next line I want to write or I can’t find the right technology to use it really gets to me and send me in a fucking spin. Like it hit me wow I am Manic Mandy because I thought I have rationally bought a I pad and Mac in one week. I spent days going on and on about how I didn’t need a Mac to do my book and how I would struggle with it that a I pad be fine for me. It’s like I become fixated on this fucking Mac. I get frustrated because if i could just focus when I get this positive creative full force flow I would achieve a lot and I do achieve a lot like this. I get loads of things done and seek to have a positive glow but it can switch quickly into a manic mess and now I am doubting myself about the book like there is loads of this online why bother writing a book. However this is something I have always wanted to do and I always said it wasn’t about it selling it was about it healing what I needed to heal. It’s for Soemone who may relate to it and it helps them. I am racing hyper writing this I feel irritable as fuck because my minds moving quicker then what I am trying to type. I think this brings me back to why I seem to go so far with things then don’t finish them because it either consumes me to the point where it makes me feel ill or I get fixated on something else. I just a million miles a hour right now but least I am not in bed scared to go out. You can’t win can you with this either all up or all down.

Much love me myself and Bipolar Brenda

Mental health a medical condition or a excuse?

I realised something today that unless someone actually lives in your mind it’s very hard for them to understand the battle you fight with it on a daily basis. I started on a low a few weeks ago where I just wanted to hide away, the thing about me is I don’t actually release how strong I am because I fight though it even if it means staying in bed all day till it’s time to pick my son back up from school. I have learnt to Perform though depression. I can pretend to be ok when I am depressed I have practiced it for years. I get stubborn and fight back, I do have the gym to thank for that.

Anxiety I can’t pretend I can’t cover it up because I only started to suffer with it intensely last year. It terrifies me to the point where I think I am actually going to die. I have fought so hard to get fit and healthy with a disc problem to be able to lift again and I have turned it around but I can’t fight these anxiety attacks I can’t escape from them. I work so hard on trying to face my fears and overcome set backs. I had my first major anxiety attack last year after I won my first powerlifting comp and I have been terrified ever since when the feeling comes over me again.

Approaching the same comp this week that I didn’t even think I would be able to lift in I have caught tonsillitis and the antibiotics have made me feel terrible. So sub consciously I am terrified I won’t be able to do the comp after over coming the physical set back of it which may I add isn’t fully healed but has not stop me progressing further than I thought i would be after so much time out. I don’t know if sub consciously I am scared of doing it because I think after it I will have another attack like last year. This didn’t even cross my mind untill last week when I was feeling anxious again. I am not scared about my back because I have been fine throughout training and if anything it’s got stronger but being bed bound I seize up. I was on my way to see the osteopath when I felt my face go numb and my chest went tight I couldn’t breathe. I took myself to a and e and put me on the ecg again obviously it all come back fine it’s just anxiety? Just?! I told him I get anxious about getting anxious I can spend 4 hours at a time checking things on myself and diagnosing myself with god knows what which then make me more anxious. I have always had ocd with my thoughts but this with thinking something is physically wrong like a freckle on my arm examining it over and over. I looked at bin I said I can deal with my highs and lows I can’t deal with this. He said people with bipolar are high risk for anxiety disorders. The guy who did my ecg even said your Already asking questions about things before you have had this done your thinking to far ahead. I know I am that’s what I do that’s what I can’t stop. Soemone turn round to me today and said it’s always something sort your head out there people with proper medical issues. It was someone I really trust and I thought understood my illness. I realised today that he don’t live in my head be doesn’t get it I can’t be upset at him. I agree it is always something and I try every day to sort my head out when it’s like this. The fact is this is a medical condition the only excuse is when I am pretending to myself that it doesn’t somewhat take over me sometimes and stop me from doing what I want to because I am terrified of what if…… do you know what it feels like to be terrified every day of doing the smallest tasks. That’s when I have to give myself a little bit of credit because sometimes I wonder how I even manage to go to the shop because I will be worried in case something happens driving there. I don’t walk my dog because I am scared in case a dog attacks us. I don’t drive on the motorway because I am scared if I crash. The worse part of it is I am scared that the visions and thoughts will come true I avoid going and doing things because of the fucking what if!!!! As people face fears jumping out of planes I am facing a fear of my one mind daily when it’s like this. Here is the thing too I hurt my back bad and it’s still not right I have fought to lift mentally again and over come the what if my back goes. But as I over Come one what if another comes and then another. I am terrified of anxiety it scares the shit out of me but bipolar did once i use to be scared of being depressed or scared of being too much and now I don’t give a fuck but this anxiety business, the ocd thoughts on diagnosing myself with mouth cancer Cos I had a small Ulscer in my mouth is nuts! Look I know it’s nuts I am fully aware when I keep looking at a freckle on my arm for 3 hours convince it’s gone bigger is nuts. However the pain and he way you can’t breathe with anxiety isn’t nuts it’s very fucking real and it scares me so much I sob like a baby I have anxiety about having anxiety. Wtf! This isn’t no excuse this is a matter of fact yeah it’s nuts what goes on in my head but I am aware of it and one way or another I will

Meet it head on and one day all

This pain will become my cure! As for the comp well who knows least I know my hearts ok so that’s one less thing to worry about but didn’t get my back done so now I am thinking…… well that’s just it isn’t it thinking. Can be a blessing or a fucking nightmare. Funny thing is I am

Way more scared of anxiety than I am squatting with 90 kilo on my back…… who knows I can’t feel any worse than I do right now….. it’s changed the whole perspective for me really I kinda wanna do it to see if I can get through without having a anxiety attack…… what’s the worse that can happen my backs got me this far it’s not the back it’s not the comp it’s not any of the things am scared of that’s holding me back it’s anxiety that’s holding me back making me. The only way to overcome this is to put it through what it’s supposedly telling me not to do right? Oh but my back and I haven’t seen my osteopath and I have tonsillitis….. excuses excuses…….. no not excuses……. anxiety!…………. to be continued……

Me myself and Bipolar Brenda 😘

Bipolar Brenda and ocd

Bipolar Brenda and OCD

I have never thought I had ocd until last year I thought ocd was people that had to wash there hands over and over and line there shoes up in colour order shit like that. No one told me you can have ocd thoughts. This guy I know he had to have his bath at a certain level or hewon’t get in it changes the sheets every day but straight out the packet. must be asda sheets can’t be Egyptian Cotten it would cost a bomb that wouldn’t it. Mind you saying that I wouldn’t put it past him. So yeah you see my point that was ocd to me. I have now started to understand that ocd can be with anything and anyone. So sadly for me I clearly have ocd thinking which makes sense because I can think the Same thing over and over and ask the same question over and over when deep down I know the answer. It’s highly frustrating and as I have got older is causing anxiety attacks more and more.

I didn’t think it was ocd when I went into H&M and spent 200 pound on everything coral from tops to socks I mean not other colour on anything pure coral. I got obsessed with coral, lucky for me my best friend took it all back for me when he made me realise I didn’t need 200 pound worth of coral tops and socks. Then I remember having a panic attack in top shop because I couldn’t find a matching top to my shirt and I burst into tears hyperventilating over it. Then there was the time I sent probably 120 photos of Nike trainers at different angles in the space of a hour to Reece to find what matches. (Poor Reece) he did put up with A lot. See I had a thing about things matching and it would cause me major distress to the point I would want to rip me hair out (done that a few times to be fair) the weave don’t help though.

I don’t know if it’s helped or not that I have become aware I have ocd thoughts because I am so into the law of attraction that I then get para and think I am attracting what I am thinking and it manifests, then I get more anxiety about my thoughts. I get we all have negative thoughts and doubts but seriously who has a sore head and then decides she’s got cancer of the head and has to ask her trainer if it’s normal to have a bumpy head . I went home googling symptoms and I have diagnosed myself I was dying. This steamed from the fact I just had a sore head bare in mind I had just had my weave done. I can eat too much bread and for days be convinced I have cancer of the stomach. Seriously it’s not the weird thoughts I have it’s the way they play over and over and honestly sometimes it’s not even 10am and I am mentally tired. I screen shot a message and send it to every single one of my friends….. yes all

Girls do this but not over a simple messages as ‘ok it was hot

Baby’ . The urban term for it was on top by the way, which I knew but still had to send it to ten friends asking what he meant. I can read a message and come

Up with a whole entire story that his living a life with ten kids married and I over and over will think something outrageous and cause myself anxiety over it. I mean these are just examples but having compulsive thoughts are really draining and they also ruin a lot of relationships and friendships. I drive people insane I will go on and on and on. The worse part is now I am aware it’s more frustrating because I can’t stop myself I drive myself insane. It’s like a downward spiral because after you have sent your 350 message (just joking but it’s not far off) I then feel depressed and down and regretful. I can make jokes but in all honesty this side of mental health is a bit tricky than the ups and downs of bipolar.

Sometimes you just want to stop thinking and that’s why I have to meditate but I can over think about that. Like when my day kept going wrong and I was convinced it was because I didn’t meditate before I left the house and I had anxiety about it so I eat a pack of lavender Kalms and was burping lavender all day feeling stoned and sick and all

I could think about was if I had mediated this wouldn’t of happened which then resulted in me getting upset and telling anyone who would

Listen.

Ocd thoughts are mainly the what if thoughts the worry of what will happen but they play over and over and over like a bad dance track stuck on repeat. Then when you see a tiny glimpse of what you thought your anxiety rockets because your like I manifested that. Sometimes I feel like I am on this merry go round and I can’t get off and that’s why I have to

Write now and express myself

Because it takes the Edge off well so does gin but yeah I think writing is healthier.

Even thought I love powerlifting and it has help me so much I had the constant fear before the comp I would be carried out on a stretcher I would see it over and over again in my mind. that’s why people don’t understand when I won’t drive places I don’t know it’s because I could imagine the journey and then something bad happens and the fear stops me like I say it’s the what if thoughts……

To be honest I think I do quite well even leaving the house some mornings I feel hard as fuck just driving to work without having a melt down or worrying I may kill a cat on my way or run out of petrol even though my tanks full.

When people say thoughts become things my blood pressure goes through the roof because I sit there thinking I hope not because I can get anxiety about a lion roaming the streets and attacking me while I walk my dog….. what if it’s escaped from the zoo and walked all the way to blackley……. what if?????……

Me myself and bipolar Brenda on ocd thinking