This grief thing….

If there is one thing I’ve always been scared of is loosing my mum and loosing my drama teacher. He was my mentor. My dad that I never had.

I thought knowing it was coming, that I knew he was ill and each moment spent with him was precious, but also each moment felt like he was going to keep going for a long time, because well he fought like a motherfucker. ‘ just get on with it.’

That was always what he would say regardless of whatever was going on in my life, in his life. ‘……The show must, and will and always did go on’ i don’t think I’ve ever experienced a deep feeling of loss like this, even when my illness has taken me into the darkest of time, when I see no way out – lost alone, even with a room full of people, or multiple phone calls with friends. Nothing… lost… alone. Me and death have have met many times, my soul has been crushed by own chaotic monster in my mind… And no matter what that dark cloud has, and will forever follow me around.

But then the sunshine has also followed me, the light somehow seems to save me even when I truly believe, ok death – take me. I’ve never been scared of dying. I kinda of made friends with it, as crazy as that may seem. But I’ve never made friends with the thought of death with my mum or David… I’ve spent years, 11 to be exact, standing over my mum in the morning – to see if she is still breathing. A fear that has never left me, a fear that when it gets too much – I’m ashamed to say, I implant into my sons mind…. ‘She will not be here soon, she will be dead soon’

Death for myself has never really bothered me, I’m not scared of it, and we have been close many times… I have learnt that all the 11 years of worrying has not really done me any favours. And even when I knew David would have not very long, that didn’t scare me, was I in denial? Or maybe I just never actually believed it would come – he would continue fighting like he did.

I asked someone ‘how long does this grief thing last?’ It’s a silly question isn’t it? It’s torn me in two, I’ve been fight myself for two weeks to stay in sobriety… even went out to a pub and a party and didn’t touch a drop. I don’t think I’ve ever felt pain like this in my Life. And I really don’t know how to deal with it… is it this grief thing? Or is it Brenda? Or is the Grief thing bringing her out… I was vile this morning to my mum and son – I sobbed on my sons shoulder and said I hate this, I hate this illness. I’ve not been able to write… this so the only thing… I want to quit it all and just sleep… pop Valium and wake up in another world where I can just write. But I’m not, I’m in this world and I don’t really know how to deal with the grief thing… it feels the more I try to keep my head above the water, the more it’s pulling me under… I can’t concentrate on anything, I can’t even express the thoughts and feelings on here, because I can’t make sense of them. It. Myself. Brenda. Nothing makes sense anymore, I’ve lost my sense of direction- I’ve lost a part of me and I don’t know how long or if I will get out of it….

I always thought I was prepared for this grief thing… but I’m not – I’m really not. I don’t know what life means right now or if anything I have been doing is the right thing.

Grief triggers bipoalr episodes… but this has triggered more, it’s triggered a pain i was not familiar or prepared for… nothing, not even this makes sense….

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