Love/ hate

I decided I have a love, hate relationship with you. There has been times where I felt we could get along, and I feel despite the little blips we did get on at times. We worked together, I stood up for myself with you and I feel you may have respected that, as you did not drag me into darkness or into a world that was far from reality. I can say that when you take me into a world which is full of hope, joy is the strongest thing and love fills me up that my happy soul sparkles and sprinkles dust on the words I’m allowed to write the gift to play characters and write them. We have had real bad times over the years, I don’t know if you do care about me, they call it tough love… maybe the love you have for me when you push me down the hole is to keep me there. To end this constant battle I face with you every day. I even get angry at myself that I can’t be a full on addict, that’s how much you keep me in the circle of thinking I almost only get there. I’m grateful when you make me a force of nature, when you let me sit and write, read and create for hours and hours. But then you take it away from me. You push me to break down doors, that people only could dream of knocking on. But that’s the problem with you as soon as the door break down, I go to step out of this circle into the circle I have dreamed of, and I even went away and found my ‘why’ to what I wanted to do this. You change my energy so much I feel the universe is as fucked as us. It brings the things I push for to me then pull them away, and I blame you for that. You have me put out bad, paranoid thoughts. Did they think it was shit? I can’t send them tapes, I can’t write, I need to learn how to use worlds better. I need to..: I need to…. I need to… I need to do better. I can work for 24 hours a day, it it’s never enough, but then you fill my head with the flash lights of thoughts, that makes me so restless, all I want to do is sleep; but you don’t let me do that- so here take a vallium- oh no I only take one when my anxiety is really bad. I won’t let your mind stop, I won’t let you sleep till you take one, but one turned into to two, then there. They let me sleep some of the day away, but then you wake me up, it’s ok you say, take some more – in fact have some pain killers. I’m not really one for medication, I only at a push take the tablets I have keep us ok: but it’s not to keep us ok, it’s to get rid of me, I’ve done so much for you and now you want to get rid of me. It’s don’t work like that. You want to fight me, you thought you was clever quitting drinking but your an addict, you are still drinking; maybe none acholic. But why do you think you need it, but it’s not going to stop the urge. You can’t even be a proper acholic, it didn’t ruin your life only gave your son a anxiety; you say you have done it for him, but look at you- you need me, for better or better worse. You want to have that power I give you to achieve things, that no one else that has a fucked up head like yours, but you don’t want the other side. It don’t work that I’m part of you, in fact I’m more of you than you are yourself. I finally stop you going to the gym, but now you keep trying to run from me, you don’t like running but your trying everything but nothing at the same time. Did you finish that documentary, for the research? Oh and did you find it easy to make notes on the iPad, I tricked you, when you got that inspired ideas and I know that once you place those pieces together it will be magic, but I’m not giving you it yet. I’m not the voice that tells you that your the almost girl, it’s you that does that. You just always want to blame me, I give you the power to walk though them doors.
Have you finished? Firstly, yes I will keep fucking you, I’ve fought you for 17 years… and yeah you have taken a lot way from me over the years and fair play you have taken my concentration and ability to write away from me. You’ve got me popping pills, you seen I was struggling keeping sober, I’ve never been a pill popper: I’m ok with being almost addict with that, because it will be almost, I will throw every one of them valli away if I have to. I know what I have to do, and you stop me every day from keeping me in a routine. Yeah being the almost girl hasn’t left me, I doubt it will till I finally step out of this circle and into the one I want to be in. Who I am and what I want to be was getting closer..: but you come and stepped into the middle of it like you always do. Like I should be thankful to you, that I have met the people I have and the way I threw my heart and soul into the scripts last year- and now you have me thinking I’m lazy that my dad is right I’m just a dreamer and ant was right that I never see things threw: but see what you are not remembering, I learnt more in loss than I did in winning. My back was fucked, I was a bigger weight, I failed my deadlift and I come 2nd. But he turn round and said that I had nothing more to prove. But you took that away, all or nothing with you isn’t it? So instead of letting me keep going you made me choose between writing and the gym. But now your really coming at me, your taking both away from me, you have drag me down into a hole, with my only comfort and relief from my mind racing is the benzo.

I tell you what since I don’t have the balls, as I’m the almost girl, so I doubt I will do it properly, why don’t you just take me fully under. Maybe I’ve come and help a few people that will stand up to you and continue to fight you. 

I regret saying it’s a love or hate/ kinda – I mean I have help people understand what it’s like being with someone like you. But fuck you taking credit for where I have got, even if it’s almost… it’s you that puts thoughts in my head, my dad give up on me so will everyone else. People make promises and they won’t see them through, yeah I know what your thinking, well what has anyone actually done for you until you brought something to the table. 
right now I will be honest Sarah is mainly the person that has stuck by her word with me. 

See you haven’t taken her away from me, cos you take everyone else. I know it’s only a matter of time till my son goes to his dad. He has a family and nice home and look where you have me chasing some silly dream, that yeah well done bringing Waterloo road back, was that a reminder of the almost girl, and you wanted to give me that ‘look 16 years on we brought it back, it’s your time, your year’ I am not daft it’s never my time or my year, it’s always only almost. I used to feel sorry for people that haven’t made the contacts I have and how I push for what I want but almost will always be me… because as soon as that tipping point coin is on the edge you fill me with doubt and I sit thinking I’m not good enough, but I will give you that you really do bring that joy and excitement, but then not only do you keep me almost, you want me to start popping pills.

You have ruined my sons life, let’s have it right. He lives on his nerves. And you won’t keep him almost because he will shine so bright that you will burn into a hole and at this point if I have to burn with you to take this away from him, I will. 

He was away for 3 days I didn’t speak to him so you have him upset but it’s not you is it, never is! It’s me, I’m done with this conversation, I get it your part of me and I can’t beat you, is that what you wanted to hear?

This isn’t love or hate right now it’s catastrophic! Who I am and want to be can’t connect, and I don’t think it ever will, not fully- it will, I am almost – because well you don’t come with a balance do you? Funny thing right now I’m ranting with you but I lay here, blaming myself, torn with do I believe;you or me?

And don’t judge that, none of this makes sense, your already creeping in my mind… jumping from one thing to another? You didn’t like it before when I picked that whisky up and put it back did you…. Fill me with anxiety, the benzo is in the bin… go and get it out, I will torture you till you feed the addict, I’m doing you a favour- I’m not going anywhere, your stubbornness is making me not want to… I seen you ring the crises line earlier… ever thought it’s not me that makes you the almost girl…

You will love me again soon, your already loving me a little now, that I’ve allowed you to write this. Yeah ok you have, but then you have me thinking it was the joint, I don’t even smoke weed, I’m just trying to find something till you have me hooked on being a fucking pill popper.

I think maybe you had something good coming, but you give into me..: are you fucking serious right now? You give me hope and then snatch it… You fuck With my energy!

Well stop fighting me. You want the ups then take the downs and stop fighting it your an addict…. I’m just helping you find another one…

Maybe not the almost girl.. maybe we can be separated and get on like we used to?

I will let you know. I can’t decided who was writing what bits then… but I wrote… I wrote…

Tasha Vs Brenda xx

#Speakoutlikebrenda

 

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