Becoming BETTER

We all want to become better. We will always be striving to become better – in whatever we do. But the most important thing you will ever work on is yourself, and that can be very challenging– especially when you are battling every day with your mind and emotions. When you take one step forward and then it feels like you are taking 20 back. You have a good couple weeks – you get up at 5am: Yoga, meditate, read, journal, brush your teeth, shower, make breakfast, go to the gym, clean the house, prep your meals, sit down at your desk to write and create – or go to whatever job it is you do, and then give time to the passion you are chasing. We are becoming better with each thing we do every day, we have consistency. Everything seems like it is moving, the steps to your dream and being better are moving, you are better. Then BANG, you wake up your head is filled with a dark fog, your mind is racing with all the things you need to do today, the pressure rising in your chest – the fear of lifting your head off the pillow, is just too much.

You keep pressing the alarm off, the 6am shows, then the 7am – the 9am shows – oh, I was out the house by this time last week, I had already been up 4 hours. Now I’m lying in bed scared to lift my head off the pillow, if i could just sleep the day away – oh, but my mind is going back to the story I wan to tell, I need to sort my pads out, so i can type it up, oh, but what about the other story, I need to find that research, I need to go to get food shopping – no, no I can’t today. Heads spinning, jumping from one thing the other. Oh, no my child has gone to school – seeing me with my head under the quilt, I had brush their hair, made breakfast this time last week – woke them up happy with music last week at 7am. I am trying to show them consistency – this is not consistency. You become better by being disciplined and doing the same thing every day, taking steps every day to become better. This is not a step this is a fucking standstill, launching me back. Almost did it!

9.30am I don’t want to get up, I’ve failed – this is why things ‘Almost’ happen for me, this is why ‘Almost’ I can cross the line and take more steps forward with my dream. But then my energy goes back to this – everyone is going to let me down, they don’t believe in me, I have potential – I can’t write that story, I can’t go for that job, I’m in a rut, I’M TRAPPED! I’m running out of time, I won’t make it – I will forever be Almost in everything I do. I move forward, then It’s like tipping point, i’m on the edge… It’s so close to drop but it stops – I stop. Everything fucking stops – I can see the BETTER Me; Almost – now I’m just that Almost BETTER.

Five years ago look back, was it all day I stayed in bed? Yes! A couple years ago was in 11am you stayed in bed? Yes. It’s 9.30 – what is it going to be? Fuck this! Body sore, and not from training – feet on the floor, Ok, thats good, my feet are out of the bed. Now what? I need to sit on my beam bag and just zone out and watch the same series, I’ve watched over and over, something new, I won’t be able to concentrate. I can’t write today, I can’t get dressed – just move into the other room. I might go and make a cup of tea and take my vitamins – yeah, I can do that. Ok, now what – head is spinning, I need to write, I need to clean, I need to put a wash on – oh, there is a bag I filled – it’s all pink – all I need to do it take it down stairs into the washer – I stare at the bag of washing, but I should be doing this every day – I should of took this down yesterday. I almost did, look it’s in the bag. ALMOST!

Wash on, Oh, no there is shopping lists on cards near the kettle, I didn’t notice, order dog flea stuff, I don’t know if I can do that today, ringing up the vests and placing an order – I can’t deal with that. Mind racing, shopping list, food – no I’m not hungry. Oh, but you had eggs by 8.30am yesterday – yea, but now it’s almost 10.30. I have failed, I almost stuck to the same time to eat.

Back upstairs, I could read a book, which book? Flick through 10 books, No, I need to be working towards being better. I need to keep moving towards what I want. I can’t stay trapped in this process forever. I will put a podcast on, a positive one. Journal, I need to write – I need to get this doubt out of me – Do i believe in myself or do I believe i will always be just ALMOST…. I sit and think… Part of me does, but the doubt and old beliefs are coming to the surface… Oh, this is making me feel worse… No get it out, but what is the point – no matter how much I train myself to believe this is part of the process of becoming better, as soon as the outside shows me the chance to move forward iI will have it taken from me, because that is what always happens. No, put the journal down, you’re filling it with old thoughts – there not old thoughts – look it’s what is happening outside of me – look that is 3 rejection emails this week, How do you turn a blind eye to that. This is what always happens, no matter how hard I try or listen to these podcasts. Shut the journal… Pick the book up, that teaches you how to use your imagination – whats the point, i only almost do it, I do it for a few weeks, then get told No again, and the outside shows me again – ALMOST.

He is right that guy on that podcast: Stop being driven by the outcome, by rewards, People think what you become is what you acquire from chasing the dream, the being a better version of you, once I get that I will be better – I will be able to do the other things I want to do, No just work! I f you do’t get what you thought you was going to get, still show up and go to work towards it. What’s more important what you acquire or who you become. We think getting what we acquire makes us become better, No it’s who you become in the process, of chasing what you acquire. It’s not too late, You’re not too late – it can happen for you, your path is not the same as the others, I keep telling myself – this almost will move away fro me soon.

It’s now 11.57, What have you done to Become Better today? Well, I haven’t stayed in bed, I have made a cup of tea, put a wash on, took my vitamins, read a bit of a book, journal, listen to a podcast. No I’m going to brush my teeth – yea, because that is always a hurdle when you feel like this. But You dint have a brace for all those years, to not be able to smile – that is very true. Also let me ask you this…

This time 5 years ago, or even a couple of years ago – had you done all this from 9.30am when your head was telling you not to move… No I had not, I would still be in bed.

Becoming Better – I think so. Trust the processes… Yea, I’m still working on that process thing… For now, I will go and brush my teeth and have my eggs…

Big Love,

T and my subconscious x

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