The journal of the time I lost the battle with the monster in my mind…

IMG_4E05767A82DD-1The unpublished/unseen  Journal entry from The journals of A happy soul with a chaotic mind.

So When I wrote my book it was the hardest year of my life mentally. As people who follow my journey I put all of my journals into he book. I bared my all but there was some journals I did not share and over the next few weeks, I have decided that now is the time. After what has happend to caroline Flack, its really very close to home to me and it breaks my heart that in the moment she lost the battle with her mind, she was not saved. It’s also made me see so much the stigma there still is around suicide and how black and white people see it. It breaks my heart that she didn’t send a message that could have saved her life. The media are to blame but I think if we could of had her trending a week ago with all this support while she was alive then it would be a very different story, she would still be living hers fighting for her life. I can’t help but feel guilty, I wish so much I read all this press, even though I tend to not read newspapers but I wish I had and everyone would have supported her before it was too late.  I have not edited this journal entry, some little bits was used for my epilogue, but it was kept short. This journal entry was written when I was sat in A&E on a drip because this night I lost the battle of my mind. Even though I have shared a fair bit in my book this part was not really shared at all.  I said in my book I wanted to be a part of ending the stigma around mental illness and suicide. I said I want to be a Voice for everyone not just celebs. Especially single mothers suffering with. mental illness. It’s hard to look back at his journal entry because this time reminds me of how terrified I was of my own mind. These may not make much sense I was full blown in a depressive state, the only thing I had was a journal.

28 November 2019 04:42

I am sat in A&E on a drip, I don’t know what else to do becasue I am waiting for the crises mental health and I can’t make sense of anything right now, I think my sons saved my life…

I hadn’t took anxiety tablets to go into the gym and that day when I was finally starting to see it as my home again I was verbally abused  In front of my terrified son.

I never sent messages being rude or threatening but I did involve myself to make it clear that he was still causing people pain. Although it didn’t matter because no one wanted to hear the truth. Although it wasn’t my battle or  place to prove that anymore but I felt I owed it to his baby’s mum because I felt over the years I had also been one of the reasons that caused her pain, she has been destroyed too and me being me think I can save everyone, when I can’t even save my fucking self.

Having to see my son have panic attacks for 3 days because he had to whiteness in my safe place it become a place where was  verbally abused. I have always felt like the new girl this year him and anyone involved in them wanted me out of that gym.  I have never been so  in my life about everyone around me.  Also I have been thinking about death so much, like I wake up every day thinking will I die today.

The hardest thing for me this year is that I lost the one thing that’s kept me out of bipolar and more Natasha, but this year the truth is I have felt every day suicidal, and when I say that it’s not always where I want to die but it’s the thoughts of I can’t keep fighting these thoughts, it’s the thoughts that even when I think I am moving into light I know the darkness was so much stronger this year. I had to fight every day this year for my life and today it all got too much for me.

I felt like I had failed my son, I felt I had once again allowed him to see me weak and not capable, I felt that because he had seen something so traumatic for him and myself it was like he  felt  like he was also weak. I felt like it was my fault, even though really reagrdless of what has gone on, you don’t act like that in front of a child.

I seen how other human beings treat other human beings, I seen how anyone he gets involved with is caused with his  poison and how his karma and energy becomes there. I relies that despite I struggle to let things go and will go to any Lengths to get the truth out that it’s not worth it, my auntie said today you can’t save the world Natasha.

People may look at this as selfish tonight but this wasn’t a sudden thought it’s a thought I have had all year that’s got louder and louder that my son deserves a mother who who he doesn’t have to see helpless, a mother that can’t let him down because she’s scared to leave the house, a mother that gives him routine time and structure every day. My mind was telling me all year that me being alive was only holding him Back and he would forever me wrapped up in this world of me myself and bipolar Brenda a fucking shit show of a mother.

The voice tonight after hearing people saying you shouldn’t of stuck up for someone else  and involve yourself, the comments of how the same thing happens with him and you always end up worse off and it’s effecting your son. That voice was so loud tonight and I don’t mean a voice of like I could hear voices. Those voices are my own thoughts and they remind me every day at how I feel a fail at being a mother.  How much a struggle with every day things, how things have a hold over me for so long.  How senstive I actully am.

The darkness this year the battles I have fought with my mind and phsycial anxiety I lost too tonight. Did I want to be numb or did I want to die.?  What do I offer him other than my chaotic mind really? I felt that I’d I did love him i needed to set him free from this life of having to live with a mother who’s spent most of this year in a rapid cycling state, surely he would be better off without me…. I love him so if I do then set him free from this chaotic life.

I may be a crank a Werido and I may be someone who will go on and on to project the truth but I have a soul and heart that’s bright full of love and light, I feel people’s happiness and pain and I feel other peoples  and wanted to expose the truth but really that was my darkness in my mind that doesn’t let go of the drama and pain.?

I have spent all year fighting to keep going and I couldn’t fight anymore. The book has help me so much but it’s also open wounds that I didn’t want to relive and I had too. It’s open up a door to where I had to finally see and except someone as a fake and it’s open me up to see that humans can destroy you regardless of how they know you may suffer. Every step forward this year has been brought with a massive set back.

Tonight I could of died I can’t fight this alone anymore and I can’t be around anything or anyone that isn’t going to help me out of this dark hole. I sit here writing this in waiting to see my mental health worker, I have hit rock bottom and I am scared that I will forever be drag back here into this darkness. 2019 wasn’t the worse year for me because he moved on or so I thought he can have and be with who he wants and it’s not even that he left me when I needed him it’s the fact he made my only safe place into a place I don’t feel I can ever return back too.

He wasn’t the reason nor was it the abuse I had this week. It was seeing my son suffer with anxiety and if I have not been strong enough for myself this year how can I be strong enough for him.  People will read this and we will sit and talk about this at my book launch if I make it and wonder how I can be sat here tonight in utter darkness how will I get to that. I am a strong enough to share my story when I wasn’t strong enough to fight that dark cloud over my head tonight…..

I had a message saying imagine half of social media  seen the real you…. and all of a sudden all the work I had done on this book felt pointless I felt I had accepted myself and my illness and was proud I had fought that darkness and not give into fully this year and then all of a sudden in that moment I  become that lost little weak helpless fuck again looking to a escape, but really it wasn’t I wanted to do what i thought was the right thing and take this away from my son, take the drama And chaotic life of who I am away from him and leave him with the happy soul I had given him the one that is in me The one that I know I am……

I am sat here now being asking by a doctor how long have you felt like this really my whole life but my safe place was want kept me in my light in my dark times but this year i lost that and I lost the fight of me myself And bipolar Brenda…. well all most.

30 November 2019 03:47

I bet you thought you would get to 2019 and it would be the year where I bounce back, a book almost finished a book launch being prepped and I am sat on a mental health ward waiting to see if I am safe to go home. How the hell have I ended up here 16 years on from the time i tried to take me life.

 

I really don’t think people do understand the serve of what mental health can do to you. I got a message off one of my friends saying your self destructing you have friends who love you and you will end up with no one, pulling stunts like this. Louis needs his mum.

Riddled with guilt that my 8 year old son had to find me completely out of it and rang my cousin to come. I hate myself that my son has had to see this.

Last night I didn’t believe he did, I believed those thoughts in my head that he would be better off without me and all I do is bring drama and chaos to him. I didn’t want to wake up last night and I have been scared all year of getting so dark that I would get to the point I did last night. I got to it and the only reason I text certain people was because I didn’t wan them to think I was selfish but it turns out that they think I am selfish for doing what I did. The thoughts in my head told me to say bye to the people you care about and I know I lost total control over my mind and emotions to the point I could not tell you what I wrote to any of them. I don’t even know I just felt like I was in this dark room I couldn’t make sense of anything, I just needed to get out but the darkness was in my mind. I can’t explain it.

Today on the ward I started to feel better because my friend came to see me who’s been in here recently and she gets me because she’s just started to come out of that dark place. She gets me because her minds in pain and she’s never free ever like me of this illness. You don’t want to die Tash,  but you’re scared of your own thoughts and feelings and last night Tash you lost the fight with them. It’s going to be ok though we will get you better.

Everyone was ringing worried when they thought I was dying but the fact is, I still  am in my mind I am out of control,  I am terrified now that I had no control last night and it hurts that I haven’t had a message asking how I am or if I am ok just that I am selfish for what I did and that I need to get help for this.

I wish I wouldn’t of message them now because at the end of the day I can’t expect people to understand my mind and emotions when at the moment I can’t. I am not weak I am not selfish I am struggling. I know it was a shock for them but in that hour while I was taking those tablets that thought I had all year consumed me fully and all I could hear was your better off because this pain is never going to end.

I sat with the doctor and she said she’s never had anyone explain in so much detail and use examples of there illness in a the way I have. The way I describe the monster and you try to keep it at arms length but it’s just got closer and closer to me and last night it eat me whole.

She said you have worked so hard to manage and I think this year all what has happened it’s been like a pressure tap getting tighter and tighter. I said I just didn’t want I wake up, I just couldn’t seem to fight it last night. My moods have been changing not daily but hourly this year, I have had anxiety in my body that I can’t control, I have lost my coping mechanising. She said it me it’s like you have lost a part of yourself this year isn’t it and you have been trying so hard to find it, I said yeah but then on the other hand I have wrote a book because I have study bipolar and myself for years but still repete the same patterns I still put my hands in a fire knowing I will get burnt everything is all or nothing. My relationships are intense and then nothing.

Then it comes i think you may have symptoms of  bpd….. I looked at her like what? Border line personality disorder, I was like I am not doffrent people. She was like no it’s not that it’s the intensity of emotions and the rapid change daily. So I don’t have bipolar… yes you do but you have bpd it’s common for them to be diagnosed after each other and common for a duel diagnosis.

I can’t really remember all she was saying but she spent hours with me. When she started to explain border personality disorder and what she was saying I was like that’s how I explain my bipolar in my book. She was like they do have very similar traits. She was like don’t let this knock you but I think that we need to look at it so you can get the right support and medication possibly.

Then the conversation of anti psychotics come up…. I was like no no no. To be honest it was me telling her all the side effectS ans me doing most of the talking. I had her filling up at one point explaining how I haven’t been like this since I was 14 I am scared of my own mind, I thought I had started to understand myself and bipolar and now I am sat here questioning myself again I have tried to kill Myself and I am riddled now with more guilt and more pain. She was so lovely and helpful and said she would be really interested in reading my book. See when I speak to them doctors they start to see Natasha and they see this girl who’s managed her mental health alone how she’s wrote a book how she’s got so much information and knowledge and they think I am stable well ish. I walked out to see my son and auntie waiting for me at my bed side and you know what all she did was make me laugh. I went home had a bath and all of sudden felt like I had loads of energy looking at my book cover sending it to jo I felt happy. What the fuck how can I be sat here now like this like nothing’s happened. I even said to my mate Deana I don’t get it like I just feel hyper now.

Cut to this morning I woke up terrified crying and scared I had a app to see the home self care team that basically look after you at home instead of hospital, I couldn’t leave the house, I felt so low I couldn’t stop crying.

I felt better last night what the better last night why I am I like this again now. I did have  messages off a few friends asking if I was ok, they all seemed annoyed though and you know what I just sank deeper this morning like is this punishment for what I did.

I do not need anyone punishing me my minds doing it enough right now, its telling me to not be here.

I get it they don’t understand and no one has ever seen me barring Jen in this state before but even she hasn’t the only person that has seen me like this before is my mum and dad.

Even my cousin who come round straight away and rang the ambulance hasn’t seen me this bad but his not give up on me, I think my friends have it’s too much for some people it’s scary but they think it’s because of my ex  I have suffered my whole life he wasn’t around  when I was 14. I got another message asking what I am playing at and I need to take accountability for what’s gone on this week and maybe see someone to why your acting the way you are. Acting the way I am see this is it like this is the dark side to my illness, this is the not in your right mind out of control side.

It’s not something your friends can help you with I don’t think. My cousin turn round to me and said Tash you have got me and we will get you better. I do not know what I would have done without him, he saved my life him and my son.

Anyway back to the meeting with the home care team again they think I am ok because I have manage this long and it’s just a blip the psychologist said I am afraid that we do need to start treatment for border line personality disorder which would make it tricky for you with medication because one you have gone so long without it, she even said we don’t even have those sheets you have anymore so I know how long ago you was given them, she said I think maybe a very low mood atablizor or anti depressant but we would have to monitor you closely if we use anti depressant because of the bipolar and if you went into a high. They said everything you have been through this year would effect anyone. It’s always the same as soon as I explain and tell them how I have cope before they say we’ll go back to that first but I can’t because I am to far away from it, I felt safe when they was here  a then  after I am in despair again.

Then had to speak to social worker and first thing she said wants happened you have always managed so well. I bust into tears I said I am not coping  I need help, I can’t look after myself never mind my mum and son. I am scared I can’t escape these thoughts, what’s happening to me. help me!

 

She said early help will come in and help me with all of this and get me in a routine, but I said last time all she did was make achievement charts for bed times. She said no they will  stay as long as you need now for as many months. I just kept going on how I feel it’s my living conditions and how I can’t go out to even get milk today and my mum can’t, I can’t care for my mum and myself and my son. I never had any help I have just been left and now this year It’s come to this.

 

Then I slept from 2 till half 8 after ordering Louis Xmas presents and I got upset because I have no tree and he doesn’t have his Harry Potter advent calander.

Shit mum again that’s all I was thinking then I just got mad so mad and was angry I woke up and there was still no tea bags. I called my mum a waste of space, I was so angry, then it came again and I was terrified, my mind was telling me you can stop this, ringing in my ears.

I rang the home help team and she said go straight to a and e they know your coming and my cousin well his more like my brother isn’t he lets face it  again comes to bring pasta bread and the prayer I ask my auntie for in the hospitcal. I told her I had read it in a book and it struck with me but could only remember Lord make me a instrument of thi peace. So in the bag was the prayer card and the holy cross. He got here and I said I have to go back, I couldn’t breathe I was terrified of my mind again. I don’t feel safe, there something happing to me again, help me. its ok we will go now come on.

You know went when I rang the metal health worker I didn’t think she would answer and when she did I was like help me. I was terrified, I have never felt this awreness of fear before, I don’t want to die but I do not feel safe.   It’s almost 5am they will be back out to see me at 11am sat here writing but I am tired but i am scared and I don’t even know what day it is.

My cousin took me to a and e and I seen the women who answered the phone and another mental Health worker and you know what they had the biggest hearts. I am going to try and sleep now the birds are tweeting but I can feel my anxiety starting.

Please help me, please stop this I can live like this, help me please.

This was journals written when I lost the battle of my mind, this was when my mind was telling me I was better off dead. Suicide is happing every day to people in all different ways. I seen steph Davies when she posted a cry for help video, when her mind was in darkness and I am so glad she did that so people could reach out and help her. I wish Caroline felt she could of said this is too much I am loosing control of my mind, I see no way out. She wanted the pain to stop do you know how terrified she would have been in that moment… All these campaigns now about how the media did this, I agree but imagine we would have not waited for he death to have her trending, imagine we would of done this a week ago. We me included rush to social media as soon as someone dies but we don’t rush to people when they really need us. We don’t know her personally and the reality someone said is you only reach. out to people you know. if that’s the case then we would only share status when people we know die. Let’s think about the young girl being cyber bullied who cuts herself, lets think of the single mother who is terrified to get help in case her children. taken off her. Let’s think about the waiting lists we and our children are put on. Let’s think about when we post on world mental health day… my door is always open, but reality is when I lost the battle of my mind the thoughts was it was selfish you didn’t want to die you just wanted the pain to stop. Caroline just wanted the pain to stop. We me included should have reported the press weeks ago. We only want to do something about it when it’s too late. This is what needs to change. Your mind can tell you to give up, it told me to jump out of a window once to stop the pain. Just because we did not contribute or troll her we also did nothing about it until now and it’s too late for her. I get so upset because I think if only these  petitions was being done weeks ago. Although again we need to be seen to be doing our bit on social media. We was reading these articles about her with this situation, I mean I wasn’t like I have said I stay off things like that. I feel guilty that I didn’t read about it, I wish I had. so yes the media are to blame but what did we do to stop it until now? This is the longest blog I have ever done, I have not slept it just reminded me of the times I lost the battle and I was so lucky to survive. I just wish that could be the same for her, yesterday no one was campaigns about what she was going through but as soon as the media show us she has passed we are straight to it to defend her. I am annoyed at the media but I am annoyed by peoples ignorance towards mental illness still now. What are you doing behind closed doors to make a change? Have you message. your friends today that has been in this situation asking are you ok, it must have brought things up for you seeing this… I might be small and un known but I will fight for the respect and care mental illness needs. We can all post pictures and share status but what are we actually doing, enough talking more doing!

 

Caroline I hope you are at peace now and I hope we all learn a lesson and educate ourselves with people not just what we read online.

 

Much love Me,Myself&Bipolar Brenda xxx

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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