Manic Mandy

After spending 3 months in a a absolute low of depressed Debbie I suppose turning into a manic Mandy isn’t all that bad. At first I was just glad to be able to get up on time and do normal tasks again without having a massive black cloud over my head. Granted it was majorly triggered by going backwards 2 years to Soemone who is probably the worse trigger for my bipolar than anything place person or thing. I got burnt more this time then I have ever by him so obviously it was going to trigger me into a Episode.

However even though I have finally started to come out of the dark I have now relies this week I have defiantly gone the other way. I never use to be aware when I was manic unless I did things that had a bad effect. I never noticed that I had more energy than normal, that my speech went faster or I became fixated on something. I would say that that I am in a positive high right now though, but do feel like it’s cycling slightly because certain things that I am focused on like my book I have decided to write, I get fixated on one thing like how to upload something and I can spend hours focused on that and then get really frustrated and anxious. When I am in a positive high I can really be very pro active and what has my attention completely has it but when I get to the point where I can’t find the next line I want to write or I can’t find the right technology to use it really gets to me and send me in a fucking spin. Like it hit me wow I am Manic Mandy because I thought I have rationally bought a I pad and Mac in one week. I spent days going on and on about how I didn’t need a Mac to do my book and how I would struggle with it that a I pad be fine for me. It’s like I become fixated on this fucking Mac. I get frustrated because if i could just focus when I get this positive creative full force flow I would achieve a lot and I do achieve a lot like this. I get loads of things done and seek to have a positive glow but it can switch quickly into a manic mess and now I am doubting myself about the book like there is loads of this online why bother writing a book. However this is something I have always wanted to do and I always said it wasn’t about it selling it was about it healing what I needed to heal. It’s for Soemone who may relate to it and it helps them. I am racing hyper writing this I feel irritable as fuck because my minds moving quicker then what I am trying to type. I think this brings me back to why I seem to go so far with things then don’t finish them because it either consumes me to the point where it makes me feel ill or I get fixated on something else. I just a million miles a hour right now but least I am not in bed scared to go out. You can’t win can you with this either all up or all down.

Much love me myself and Bipolar Brenda

2 thoughts on “Manic Mandy

  1. I say write the book (in moderation). Be intentional set time aside each day or week to write pieces of it. This way the book you writing and the healing you are hoping to experience comes gradually and not all at once. Make sure you have the right support system sometimes our stories aren’t all good days. Writing your story out builds resiliency hang in there managing the mood isn’t always easy but it is possible. I enjoyed reading how you experience yours ups and downs.

    Liked by 1 person

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