I can’t breathe……let’s breathe in through the nose out through the mouth…… I will breathe through my arse if it helps 😂

73C0B71D-801B-4EF3-8317-B2F4097C7D71Obviously I am breathing 😂 slightly dramatic Tasha. Again I can laugh sitting here feeling slightly calmer than I did last night. I laugh because when anxiety gets so bad and you feel them pricks all through your body and the pains in your neck where you feel like someone is strangling you…… and not it the way that’s pleasing if you know what I mean, but full on ‘I AM GOING TO DIE TONIGHT THIS IS IT.’ I laugh because I turn to my meditation that tells me to breathe out my nose and through my mouth….. and the anxiety is increasing and increasing and your just trying your best to not move Suddenly in case pains start in your chest and you think your about to be rushed off in the middle

Of the night hooked up to a ecg. The calm silent voice says breath in and breath out and your minds going I am actually breathing at all is this through my nose or my mouth fuck I would breathe through my arse right now if it took this feeling away just help meh! All jokes aside I am keen meditator and it helps massively in depression and in calming my thoughts down to should I send that 10th text and explain how he makes me feel

Or not. ( I usually send it anyway, meditate after it) 😂 hence why I have started the blog so I am can stop being that person that sends 10th message of how his made me feel even though I kinda like to

Address the same matter that’s been the same for years 😂

Anyway back to the anxiety, seriously it’s next level shit side of mental health this. Least with depression you just withdraw and take to

Your bed and when your manic well I won’t go into what I get up to when I am manic, which has probably been the trigger to my experience with anxiety over the last year.

I use to have panic attacks but they come and go pretty quick, anxiety is a different ball game and even with all my tools I have acquired with bipolar, this ones a little bit of a fucker……

so what did I do? Believe it or not I just kept thinking I am so grateful now that I can just take this next breathe and the next….. It’s really draining being depressed and feeling like a Duracell bunnies at the same time, I didn’t sign up for this! One or the other is hard enough but a mixture is seriously hard work.

You know when you have that last rep in the gym and it takes everything you have, that was me yesterday but not in the gym in my life. I was that filled with anxiety I got home turn the lights off at half 6 and lay there till half 9 trying to calm down, but I didn’t feel manic I just felt like my body was vibrating my head was pounding and the thought of leaving that room to even drive to get my brows done seem impossible. I just couldn’t push through yesterday. Even for a new set of lashes and brows so yeah it was pretty fucking bad.

Sat in work now and it’s kinda rising again and being at home with my dog seems the best thing for me. So this is what I have come to and something I get told a lot. Just go with the flow….. the more your persist the worse it gets so am give myself a pat on the back that I made it to work this week

Even if I didn’t get everything done I wanted. Just breathe and be grateful you can breathe let me tell

You your grateful for breathing more than ever when it’s all you want to

Do.

I am work in progress with this anxiety it’s a different side of bipolar for

Me. I remember going on a visit and eating a packet of kalms and half a bottle of rescue Remedy, I still

Looked like I had something down my pants itching like I had fleas and sweating

But heat from my feet coming

Up to my weave. So I learnt kalms was not for me, well

Not a packet full anyway. I also

Learnt jail vists wasn’t for me either.😂

So for now all

I have for anxiety is just breathe and be grateful you can 😉 and stay away from places or situations that make it worse. Turn your phone off light a candle and just keep

Thinking this won’t last I am

Good, well there nowt much else you can do there wasn’t for me anyway. On a plus side I don’t hide in the wardrobe anymore, I try not to hide from

Brenda anymore I try and meet her head on 🙄👌🏽

Me myself and bipolar Brenda 😘

When Brenda takes over

I have started this blog mainly to be able to write instead of letting my mind run away with me. The worse part of bipolar is when it manages to take over and you don’t feel anything but bipolar. See there is me then myself and bipolar Brenda. She’s part of me sometimes we get on great and other times she swallows me whole. I suppose you could say I have been swolled right up in the last 48 hours. It happens it’s one of those things i get that now. However I don’t think there is anything worse with being in your body and having no identification with yourself. I don’t want these posts to be pity party’s if anything I am doing it to watch my progress from being on the floor to the rise. So this is where I am at right now and for the last year I have been up and down more times than the lift a the crown court. Will I always be searching for the middle ground? What’s normal anyway.? No sunshine without rain and bla bla Bla. I love a quote more than anyone but as much a good postive  quote can make you see things different for a day maybe it doesn’t stop the chemicals in your brain. I want to get to know me and myself I know Brenda very well. She’s out stayed her welcome this time I am on the hunt to spend some time with me. So here goes to the first day from full blown on the floor to tiny steps back. I can’t mak her go completely and deep down she’s part of me but I am eager for her to take a rest now. That’s a start isn’t it surely ☺️ Without hope what have we got. Ha couldn’t resist a cheesy quote to end on. 😂

Bipolar powerlifting

 

Deadlift bipolar 

I have decided to come back to my little blog, the main reason being I just think I don’t really care anymore what people think about me and this side of me or should I say Many sides. I think mental heath needs as much attention as it can get so people can gain tools to help them on there journey through there difficulties. People will probably read this and have something to say or a lot. Some people may not read it and to be honest I am kinda doing it for myself so I can get out how I feel when I feel like Brenda has a hold. I work hard to manage it as much as I can but like I have said before sometimes it takes hold of me. For

those who don’t know me are probably wondering why I have a picture of me standing there in funny socks and pulling a really attractive face 😂

one of the things I got into to help me with my mind was powerlifting. Yeah it was just suppose to be a hobby but I have some how ended up competing, I kinda qualified for the British championships too 😱.

That experience is what has  probabaly brought me back to writing because since Christmas I have been in what is the delightful other phase of being too much and manic the dreaded depression and anxiety.

I am kinda clever at hiding it and use the fact that it’s because I am still

obessed with a criminal that can’t stay out of jail that’s emotionally unavailable. (That’s a completely  other story for a completely different day) 😂

so yeah the other side of bipolar, is horrendous when your not flying high every day is a constant struggle. However powerlifting has help me live my life in spite of wanting to jump out of windows. ( may I add this is apparently a completely normal

tbougnt that many people experience. )In face it actually means your more in controll than what your think

your are. Well that’s nice to know isn’t it. God forbid we thought we was insane for thinking such a thought, what matters is you didn’t. 😂 I am sorry for making a joke of it but when the doctor said this to me I couldn’t help but laugh. You kinda have too when you get into them sorts of minds and are scared to step near a window. Thankfully I am over the fear of thinking I am going jump out the window. I probably again have powerlifting to thank for that. Once you squatted 90kg on

your back the window thoughts are a minor. Stepping on a platform after failing your warm up lift was actually more scary then any of my weird and wacky thoughts I must say, it’s kind help me a lot to be fair lifting weights 🏋🏽

Powerliftong hasn’t Just made me physically strong but mentally. I found something other than sitting on my cushion reading and meditating that gives me a purpose and a routine. i

started to notice that when I was lifting heavy weights it brought me right down when I was a million miles a hour, when I was down it help me pick myself out the hole I was in. I can get in some real deep holes trust me…..😂

Even when life wasn’t flowing and I was either up or very down that seem to balance me out. Obviously I got obsssed with it, but to be honest when you suffer with your mind and get obsessed with things and people that are not good for you, you hold tight to anything that makes you feel better.

I flew through my first comp and won, but I started to slip into my downs with anxiety and the pressure of wanting to take it to the next level I don’t think was serving me. See I need to just lift weights not to win medals (obviously it was nice to win) I need to lift weights now because when my mind is out of control it’s the only thing that makes me feel in control. Just that half hour session can help me. It doesn’t cue me I am in a bad depressive state now, which is why I didn’t do as well as I could in the qualifiers. However what it has give me is the ability to get out of bed and get through the day, I never could do that I wasn’t a functioning depressive, you can teach yourself to be strong even when your mind is weak to

push through. I never had that before powerlifting.

I know more and more people are suffering with anxiety, mental health than ever before social media is a anxiety trigger let me tell you, it doesn’t help

amyone scrolling through people posting pics of there Sunday dinners and Injected arses. I have a fat arse and have always been quite happy with it but since insta even I am thinking of one of these butt lifts. 😂

weather your up or down anxiety through the roof feel like your going insane. Feel like your too much or not enough here’s my take on it.

go and find something like I did with powerlifting that even if it’s for a hour takes the black smoke from your mind the anxiety running through your neck and chest or the Just feeling like you can’t take much more of this shit. Go and find something that gives you a little bit of your happiness back.

At the end of the day that’s all we really want us cranks weather bipolar or not all deserve to have something to help you and make us feel happy. Managing my mind in these phases is a full time job, I could go and get back on medication or I and go and deadlift then meditate. The thing is weather your bipolar or not and let’s be homest even if your not medically labelled a crank life tests us all at times….. take some time to do something that make you feel a little better even if it’s up and down least your not stuck Just floating about with no aims…… imagine that 😂 some people want to loose weight some people want to earn loads money…… I just wanna manage my mind and emotions and use anything other than what the doctor wants to give me. Point is and yeah I waffle  I know….. point is this stop scrolling down shit….. that thing you wanted to do, that picture you wanted to draw, that walk you wanted to take, the cake you wanted to eat, the book you wanted to read, the blog you wanted to write, the class/course you wanted to take……. GO AND DO IT! DO IT FOR YOURSELF, FOR YOUR MIND FOR YOUR HAPPINESS……. Or go and deadlift 🙂

me, myself and bipolar Brenda 😘

 

 

 

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